Raw.

writing.

2009-02-08T02:13:00.002-06:00

i find i express myself less and less these days. I allow my frustrations and emotions to get pent up until they come exploding out in a rage I cannot seem to control upon those around me who don't deserve it. My employees, my friends, my husband... I can only hope and pray that they understand and love me despite these things. It is something I wish to change, but cannot seem to find the time or energy to. Why have I allow myself to be controlled by my emotions and ceased to control my thoughts, opinions, and ideas through other outlets? Perhaps I have allowed myself to be consumed by work, drinking, and gossip. These are things I had always thought I would never let consume my life. They are aspects of the world that I had always swore would never overtake the person I am inside, yet I feel as though they have consumed me. I must regain this control over my life. I told CJ last night that I miss church. I miss worship and messages and the simple idea of opening my Bible and allowing God to take control. I miss being vulnerable. I miss the moments where I was no longer hidden, but naked and bare to the One who made me. I miss sitting around and having deep discussions about what is and was and could be. I miss discussions about life and what I wish to make of it. My goals in life have changed a lot over the years, but the center of them remains the same; I wish to spread love to those around me...

My unknown move to Texas cannot come soon enough. While I love many of the people I am around, I do not always respect the person I have become. I am ready for a change...

1 year later.

2008-10-17T17:41:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking lately that I am letting my mind rust. I have ceased to do much of anything other than work, watch TV, and read the occasional book. So much has happened in the past year. I continue to live in a state I didn't want to come to in the first place, yet am saddened when I think of leaving. I am married. I love my husband and he means the world to me. I don't know what I would do without him in my life.

And yet I sit here and wonder what would come out of my mind onto paper (or a computer screen). Deep inside of me there is a person I have forgotten. A person who loves to love and loves to dream. A person who seems full of pessimism, yet is full of hopes and dreams for the shattered world in which she lives. A person whose pessimism stems from frustration of seeing potential never realized or achieved. I have let this person get caught up in the day to day riggers of everyday life. I have allowed myself to get sucked in and bogged down by the drama and negativity of the world around me without stepping back to look at what is really going on. I have allowed myself to feel caught in the midst of struggles that are not mine. I have allowed the world around me to define who I am. I have forgotten to love myself. Because of these, I have failed to be the wife, daughter, sister, friend, and boss that I have the capability of being.

interesting thought.

2007-10-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

As I look at facebook at some of my old friends from high school, I noticed something. There are a few of us girls that were similar in high school. We weren't quite popular, but we weren't unpopular. We were friends with people in all different "cliques" and all the "hott" boys... but we were the "good girls." We enjoyed talking to teachers and helping people out just as much as we enjoyed discussing our frustrations and annoyances with all things high school. We were the girls that were friends with all the guys, but never quite anything more. We were the girls that the guys assumed already had dates to the dances because they couldn't imagine us not... yet we were the ones always wondering if we'd end up going... We were the ones the guys would talk to about their girl problems or whatever other issues were going on, but were never "the girl." Yet, we were never down on ourselves. We maintained our confindence because we were independent women who enjoyed doing things on our own. We were never anything special... but we were ourselves and we were proud of it.
And now... looking on facebook... I notice something. We have all found love. We have all found the person we want to spend our lives with and are growing up to become mature, responsible women, while the "popular" girls who went through boyfriends daily are still out partying and being irresponsible because their parents are still fully supporting them and don't care what they do.
I'm glad I'm me :)

creeping in...

2007-10-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

It's weird how life goes. It still feels like I keep waiting for life to happen... then I realize it already has. I keep waiting to grow up and become an adult... and then the job calls and the bills come and I realize... I already have. I keep waiting for the day that I leave behind everything and everyone I have ever known to start off in a new place on my own... then I realize I have. I keep waiting for the day when I leave home for good... and then I realize it has come. Certain things seem like they were just yesterday... but they were years ago.
Each day the fear of the future and the unknown begin to get under my skin and I worry and question... but then I am reminded that it will all be ok. I am reminded that I am exactly where I have chosen to be and exactly where I want to be. I realize that I am loved beyond my imagine. I realize that despite frustrations and arguements, I have someone in my life that will drive 2 hours to surprise me with flower and dinner. I have someone that buys me a GPS because it rips him apart when I call him and am crying because I am alone and lost in a strange city. More than that... I have someone that will curl up with me and just be.
The stress of the last couple months and the upcoming months has slowly been creeping in... but I know it will all be ok.

Trip "Home"

2007-08-17T10:04:00.000-05:00

CJ and I went home this past weekend so that he could have "the talk" with my parents. A little unconvential yes (since he already has the ring and all) but it works for us and that's what matters. In less than 24 hours we (my mom, CJ, and myself) managed to buy a dress and narrow down our options as to where... all before I actually have a ring on my finger... go figure.
But it's exciting none-the-less and I could not have dreamed a better person to be going through life with. We will be able to start off our new lives in a new place together... it'll have it's bumps and it won't be easy, but we have what counts. Love.

August.

2007-08-12T10:07:00.000-05:00

This month has already brought a lot of change. Promotion at work... which also means moving over to the Detroit area... and leaving CJ until he graduates. It was a difficult decision, but we both know that it will ultimately be for the best and he'll be able to move over as soon as he is done with school. Yesterday we went over there and looked for apartments and found the perfect one :) It definitely relieved some stress, knowing I would be moving into a nice apartment AND I will be taking Gizmo over there with me when I move (CJ's cat), which I am definitely looking forward to.
Life changes... and I'm lucky to have CJ to go through them with.

Graduated.

2007-05-24T20:45:00.000-05:00

I officially am a college grad. My grades are in and I've walked across the stage... I'm done. It's a weird feeling. It'll really hit as I move next week into my new apartment. It's scary too. I'm staying here for CJ. I'm working full time and trying to be a support to him to finish school. As the future continues to become the present, I cannot help but wonder how I keep growing up and becoming an adult, and yet it keeps happening. The safety net from under me has slowly been taken away and I am on my own. This is my life. These are my choices. And I cannot help but feel more loved and cared for and assured that it will all be alright than ever before... :)

as the future approachs...

2007-05-12T22:54:00.000-05:00

i will miss learning.
i've become more and more aware of the injustices in the world...
and i can only hope that i can help somehow...
and not sit idle as the world continues to hurt.

When will it end?

2007-04-18T09:27:00.000-05:00

One of my brother's best friends from high school committed suicide last Friday. They hadn't talked in years, but I have no doubt that my brother is having to deal with this in his own way. When will people learn that it isn't worth it? He wasn't popular and didn't have a large group of friends. He used to drive around in his self-spray painted old VW Beetle and was nothing but polite and quiet when he came to visit. He'd wish me happy birthday and always say hi to me, despite me being the "annoying little sister." Perhaps what broke my heart the most though, was just now when I looked up his name under the obituaries in the Chicago Tribune... and no one had written a thing in the guestbook... not that it's the biggest deal, but just the idea that this boy has been gone for almost a week and it's as if no one had noticed...
You will always be remembered Michael Sean Pennington. My prayers are with your mother...

as time goes by and the future approaches...

2007-03-13T12:48:00.000-05:00

Everyday is the future, but it isn't until right now that I'm realizing that. In the next two months, I have to figure out where I'm living and what I'm doing next year... or this summer for that matter. Stay in Grand Rapids? Go back to Chicago? What to do... I can't help but wonder what the "right" thing to do it. I was talking to Alex last night about how much both of our lives have changed this past year. Him and I are both "domesticated" now... who woulda thought? Staying in Grand Rapids has its advantageous... the main one being CJ. There's nothing more I want than to stay here with him, but I don't know if that's the best in the long run. I can move home, work two jobs, not pay rent, and save up a ton of money for the future... or I can stay here with him until he graduates and we figure out where we want to live and where we can get the best jobs. I'd be lying if I said these thoughts didn't fly through my head everyday. What's the right decision? I have no idea...
Where do I go from here? All I know, is I'm not too worried... I know I have the support of a loving boyfriend and a great family... no worries here... life will figure itself out... nothing more I can ask for.

"Now who’d have thought someone like you could love me
You’re the last thing my heart expected
Who’d have thought I’d ever find somebody
Someone who someone who makes me feel like this
Well I guess

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes" -Carrie Underwood.

it doesn't get easier...

2007-03-02T20:33:00.000-06:00

just more time passes by...

You will always live on in my heart.

two months later

2007-02-18T10:44:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's been two months since I last wrote in anything...
I had all of January off from school. It was a nice change to not have 100 different things going on. It was also nice for CJ and I to have some time to actually spend together since we weren't both working 30-40 hours, going to school, etc... I have 3 more months left of school... then I'm done. It's amazing that these last 4 years have gone by so fast. I'm still so unsure as to what I will be doing then. My lease here is up at the end of May and I don't know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing at that point. It's hard because part of me wants to find a sociology job and move, but part of me wants to stay here a bit longer...
CJ continues to be a blessing to my life. It's the little things that he does that makes me care about him more and more everyday.

Some Days.

2006-12-21T11:57:00.000-06:00

Some days I wonder what I did to deserve to be treated so well. It's not the things he might buy or anything like that, but it's the way he looks at me. It's the way he holds my hand. It's the way he won't let me turn away from him when something's on my mind... and the way he looks at me when he does it... like he's not forcing me to say a word, but will wait until I'm ready. It's the way he lets me be there for him. It's the way he's not afraid to say what he's feeling. It's the little things. It's the way he makes it ok for me to be afraid it all. It's the way he understands my walls I have about guys and relationships.

I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I'm grateful for it.

Alex told me that while he hasn't met this guy, he likes him. He said that I'm different now somehow, in a good way... little subtle things that people that don't know me well might not notice... but I think I understand...

I didn't go looking, in fact, I didn't WANT to go to looking or have any desire to. I was content with my life exactly how it was and loved not being "tied down". But it happened unexpectedly... and I wouldn't change a thing.

my life.

2006-12-13T00:17:00.000-06:00

There are many things I want with my life. The main one? To find my way back to the passion I once had. This has been on my heart so much lately that it's crazy to me. I wasn't looking for it, nor was I expecting it. I was driving one of my friends home the other day and she said something to me while we were talking... she was telling me a story of talking to her cousin about Calvin and commented that she knew a girl that went there that "had more faith than her and her cousin combined". I thought about this. Aside from a few random conversations, faith has never been a huge topic of our conversations. I go out with her constantly and have been drunk with her on numerous occasions... and she still says this about about me. I was talking to another friend the other day about the importance of religion and while it might not seem to top or lists of things anymore, it is still something that is important to us. Yet another conversation was had a few nights ago when I was telling an old friend that I have this desire to find that passion and deep faith I once had and our conversation about it brought back the strength to find it.
Can I find it? Can I once again have that? I can only hope. And pray...
I am not perfect, and while I know God doesn't expect me to be, it is difficult for me to accept that He will and does still love me despite so many things. And yet, I am slowly coming to the realization once again that I know a God of love and mercy. And I know a God of damnation. I know a God that let's horrible things happen... as well as one that gives me the strength to overcome them. I know a God that was there for me day in and day out when I was uncertain of whether or not I could trust anyone. I know a God that has saved me numerous times over my short life. I know a God that was a Father to me when I did not know what one should be. I know a God that was my comfort and shelter in an unstable and uncertain place. I know a God that gave me to courage to serve Him... and to never back down from anything. I know a God that has given me confidence and strength beyond my knowledge. I may stumble and I may fall and I may question for days on end, but I know that there is a God out there who will not give up on me, because He loves me that much. There is a God that has seen my pain and my hurt and my sorrow and loves me and comforts me, even when I do not want to accept it or acknowledge it. There is a God that knows the depths of my heart when I fail know it myself. He is still there. He is not leaving. And I will find my way back to Him once again...

This is me.

2006-12-02T18:29:00.000-06:00

As my life continues to change in ways I didn't expect (doesn't life always do that?), I find myself once again thinking about God. Two of my friends from school and I were discussing the fact that we feel as though we are less secure in our faith and have less belief and faith in God now than we did when we started at our Christian college. It was a breath of fresh air to realize I was not alone in this category, yet it still left me wondering... why?

I continue listening to Nickelcreek's "Doubting Thomas" and cannot help but feel like it was made for me.
What will be left when I’ve drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I’ve met and the folks who’ve known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I’m a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I’m a coward
If there’s a master of death
I bet he’s holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I’m a doubting Thomas
I can’t keep my promises
Cause I don’t know what’s safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I’m scared I’ll find proof that it’s a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I’m not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I’ve wasted

I’m a doubting Thomas
I’ll take your promise
You’ve always kept me safe

As my boy and I continue to develop our relationship, we have been able to have more talks about what is important to us. Somehow, one of my first is still my beliefs and my faith. I sound so confident saying it, yet feel so uncertain thinking it. What happened to the part of me that only like GR for the church here? What happened to the part of me that didn't know if I could ever leave the church here? Where did that girl go? What happened to the girl with the passion...? Is passion gone? Or simply changed? Where is the girl that would sit down and talk about religion and beliefs and God for hours with a friend? Is it wrong that this girl seems to be missing?
I know it's ok that I wonder these things. I think I more fear that I won't find my way back... or that I won't really care to at some point.

Let it rain.

2006-11-27T07:31:00.000-06:00

"Wanted to run away cause the situation's in the past
Love never really last
Memories just had a hold of me

But I had to let go of the pain
Let love rain down on me
Cause you helped me open up my eyes
Show me things I could never see
Cause we can fight and we make up
Wanna see you when I wake up" -jojo

There is someone in my life who looks at me and sees only beauty, with or without makeup. There is someone in my life who will brush a smudge off my face. There is someone in my life who will buy me a giant teddy bear just because he missed me and knows I love my stuffed animals. There is someone in my life who will wake up in the middle of the night and talk to me... no matter how long it takes for me to be honest with what I'm thinking. I tell him my fears... especially the ones involving him... and he won't let go of me until he knows it is ok. There is someone in my life that I can be a stupid girl around and it's ok.

It's not as scary anymore...
because I told him I was afraid.

they way i am

2006-11-25T00:40:00.000-06:00

You never you think you measure up
Never smart or cool, or pretty enough
Always feeling different from all the rest, oh
You feel so out of place, you think you don't fit in
I think you're perfect in the skin you're in
You're just perfect just how you are -jojo

It remains weird to me that there is someone in my life who is not afraid to tell me these sorts of things daily. I'm totally the guy in the relationship that's not comfortable sharing feelings and whatnot, but he's patient with me.
And I can't wait for him to get back to Grand Rapids.
He's not my style. He's not my type. He's awkward at times. He's not always smooth. He's not a lady's man. He's not a smartass.
But somehow it works.

It might be too good to be true, but I'll take the advise of someone wise... I will savor every moment.

a scary place to be.

2006-11-19T18:33:00.000-06:00

It is a scary place to be, this place I'm in.
I'm going to school.
I have a job.
I have the greatest friends I could have imagined.
I have someone willing to care about me as I am...

It is a scary place for me. Knowing that someone knows all of my barriers and insecurities and trust issues and is willing to take the time to let me figure it all out for myself. I have someone in my life that thinks I'm more special than anyone else. Someone that looks at me and sees only beauty... inside and out. Someone that will hold me when I'm down and laugh with me when I'm hyper. Someone that won't force me to say a word, but always willing to listen.

Could I really be this lucky? It's scary to think it might be real...

Only the future will tell...

is it possible?

2006-11-13T17:17:00.000-06:00

I was told that not all guys are assholes. I refused to believe it. I was told I'd be proven wrong. I anticipated disappointment.

And now I'm not quite sure.

Is it possible for someone to treat me right? To genuinely like the PERSON that I am INSIDE and not the GIRL that I am on the OUTSIDE?

It scares me.

More than I care to admit.

I thought this summer had taught me that I cannot trust any guys ever. Not with my heart.

Is it possible someone is willing to work to break down the walls I have put into place to protect myself?
To work at it, but not force?
Someone desiring to get past emotional barriers...
before physical ones?
Someone willing to wait...
As long as it takes?

lately.

2006-10-24T19:47:00.000-05:00

I've been missing home. Specifically, I've been missing my dad. Anyone that knows me knows how different this statment sounds coming from me. The longer I'm gone though, the closer I seem to feel to my dad. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I feel as though I have been able to step back and look at my dad in a different light. I see him as a person. As the person he is and as a person I love. I see the traits and characteristics I've gotten from him. I see more and more of him in me everyday. There are times I wonder if it's too late for me to become daddy's girl... there are other times I think I might be in my own way as it is. This past week all I wanted to do was run into my dad's arms and cry and have him hug me, tell me he loves me, and that everything will be ok. I know I don't have a dad like this. I know that's something that could and would never happen... it'd be far too awkward for both of us. I talk about my mom a lot. She's one of my best friends and I love her to death... but tonight... I miss my dad.

one day.

2006-10-21T00:25:00.000-05:00

"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall" -alison krauss

One day I will admit that I already know this person.
I just hope it's not too late...
or that I haven't screwed up too much...

I fear the future. In eight months I don't know what I'll be doing or where I'll be, but I find a peace in one thing... that there's someone out there who will always catch me if i fall.

weakness.

2006-10-09T20:06:00.000-05:00

Familiar melodies filled the room. Normally, this would fill one's heart with joy. It filled mine with pain. Tears came to my eyes as my heart cried. Memories rang back from not so long ago... yet a lifetime ago. My heart goes out to the girl in those memories. So many things I wish I could tell her: smile more. forgive. look past imperfections. love. enjoy the present. And now she is only a memory. Pictures packed away somewhere in the depths of a box. Some on a shelf hundreds of miles away covered with dust.

She could never have predicted where life would take her. Even if she could have, would she have done anything differently? She does not hate her life. She simply hates knowing it could have been different. The places she's been. The things she done. They are all part of her now. Her life aside from anything that was once familiar. A new familiar. And while it's all well and good... the bittersweet memories are only a familiar melody away...

busy life.

2006-09-25T21:56:00.000-05:00

Some people hear my schedule and think my life is too busy. I've been working in Holland lately about 30 hours a week plus driving time. I have my internship (about 8 hours a week), coaching my jump rope kids 3 hours a week, and being a full time student. I don't know what to do with myself when I have a free moment of time because I've forgotten what it's like. I enjoy my busy-ness. I've been wishing I could go home for the last few weeks, mainly because it's a breather because I don't have anything I HAVE to do when I'm home, but I usually end up wishing I was here at some point because I'm missing out on something. As much as I've hated Michigan, it's hard to think about the fact that I might not be here before I know it. Yet I continue to love it. I've been seeing more and more changes in myself lately. More growing up and changing. I'm becoming more organized and wanting things cleaned more often. I'm more responsible. I take on things. I'm not afraid to say what I think... constructively. And this is my life...

content.

2006-09-14T17:18:00.000-05:00

I was driving home from lunch with Lauren today and thought... I'm content. I always felt like there was something wrong with being content. That there should always be a restlessness inside wanting something more, but I'm content. I have a job I love (despite my bitching sometimes), a fairly light class load, an internship that is slowly getting better, and a group of kids I love coaching. I never question if I have friends I can call to find something to do... nor do I ever question if it's too late to call. Sure, there are things I WANT, but overall, I am content. I've taken on a lot this semester. My plate is full and I keep loading it up, but it's ok. I continue to try to make everyone else's life a little less stressful by taking on a little more myself for them. I enjoy it. I always know that come Friday or Saturday night, there will be a party somewhere I will be invited to and the best part? I don't feel bad if I can't or don't want to go, because I know another will always come along. I have friends that I love and love me back. I realized today... I really have made this home. It's weird like that I guess. As much as I want to go back to PTown, I realize that once I was there, I'd be on the phone realizing how much I was missing here and wishing I had stayed. I only have nine months left here... I want to make the most of them :)

i don't really write anymore... at all.

2006-09-01T12:23:00.000-05:00

I was home this past weekend to go to my cousin's wedding in northern Wisconsin. It was a good trip home... I got to hang out with Jackie again, which was awesome. As different as we are, I'm lucky she's still one of my good friends. My cousin's wedding was awesome. Jenni looked gorgeous and I got to chill w/ my cousin Ray (yeah, I'm definitely taking a trip to MN to visit this year!) and somehow managed to yet again survive the family drama. I realized, yet again, why I love my cousins. Back home, my brother and I took my parents to Maggiano's for their 35th Anniversary and my dad's birthday. It was amazing. We had a nice, delicious family dinner and... NO ARGUMENTS. We were talking and laughing the whole time, it was something I'd never seen before. Maybe the more we grow separately apart from each other, the closer we become. I got to catch up with Steph, who I'm pretty sure I hadn't seen in years. I also got to go downtown and chill with Shay and Elliot. I'm going to miss those two so freaking much this semester... lots of roadtrips to visit them if possible.

I've realized how fast this semester will fly by. I think of weeks in terms of work weeks and schedules planned far in advance now... it's insanity. My weekdays are packed full of school, work, coaching, and my internship. It's crazy...

2006-08-01T18:59:00.000-05:00

"I know of what I’ve lost
On this quiet night
I still felt your grasp upon me
As I boarded the flight" -Ringside.

i know this feeling...

it hurts...

2006-07-23T20:16:00.000-05:00

Last time I was at a church of any kind was a month ago for Jeanne and Jarrett's going away service. Last time I went to Mars, I walked out when the message started... if I were to be honest, I had no intention of returning until September... but then I found out that Jon Klinepeter was leading worship this weekend, so I got my butt out there. I know I listen to Aaron lead worship most weeks, which I'm forever grateful for, but there's something more mellow and laid back about Jon leading worship. I associate it more with high school too, whereas I now associate Aaron with Mars and college. But listening to Jon lead worship took me back. Different songs, but same place in my heart. I don't think I've worshipped and meant the words since... I don't even remember. I was reminded of that time in my life where God was so present and alive in my heart. This week I said something about going to church to one of my co-workers and others overheard... and everyone laughed. I asked why they laughed, they said it was because the idea of me going to church seemed amusing. When I told them about my life in high school, they told me it was hard to believe. When did that happen? Why did I let it happen? It's not that I'm unhappy now or that I lack good friends, but that I lack what only I can find again. I lack my desire to live a life full of God. Maybe I already have the desire again, but I lack the strength to do it. What would that look like for me now? What would it mean for me?

I thought that God had left me many times this past year. There were times I questioned His existance all together. There were moments where I was sure He couldn't be real. There were moments where I didn't really care if He was real or not. There were moments where I wondered where He was. There were times where it was only that still small voice in the back of my head that told me not to let everything I knew to be true fly out the window that kept me at all grounded. Then things changed. Florida happened. Life began to slow down and progress "normally" again, yet still I didn't think God was part of any of it. Looking back, I can see Him. He was there in the people that still cared about me. He was that small voice in the back of my head when I had stopped caring. When I had given up on myself and stopped caring about myself, He was the voice that said that there was still SOMETHING that mattered, even if I didn't know what or why. God was behind Mark finding me and having me go to Florida. I could write it off as coincidence, but I think it was more than that. I see the relationships I was able to build... and the ones I lost... and the ones that got put on hold... and there's a reason for all of it. I see God in my choice to stay in Grand Rapids this summer. I want my joy back. I want my life before junior year back. I want my heart back. I was my heart from high school and Costa Rica back. I was my fire and passion and drive for something better and something more back. I don't want people to laugh at the idea of me going to church... I want them to ask me if they can go with me because they hear me talk about how much I love it. I want so much more than this.

Dane Cook, guys, and old men that pull down their pants.

2006-07-20T23:18:00.000-05:00

Dane Cook has officially made my life a little brighter. If you see me in my car smiling or laughing and I'm the only one in my car... it's because of Dane Cook.

Marcus restored my faith that not all guys are always the same... even though I still feel that way right now... luckily he made me go out for a drink and chat.

Which leads to being at Applebee's tonight... and as we were leaving, seeing an old man go "I don't remember what underwear I'm wearing today. Hang on." and then proceded to unbuckle his belt and pull down his pants to his knees to find out what underwear he had one... they were blue boxers, in case anyone was wondering.

Warped View?

2006-07-18T18:28:00.000-05:00

I've realized I have this, hopefully, warped view of the opposite sex. It's probably because my experience with them have been as follows: They like me enough to mess around, but never enough to stick around. Kind of a "Get what I want and move on" type of thing. I went along with it for awhile, because in that moment, I felt like I mattered. Not a "I thought he loved me" mattered, but just a "Right now I matter." And yet it's left me with this warped view that all guys are like that. I think they are all out to just kind of use girls and move on. I think that any actions or words that show that they care are just an act with little meaning behind them.

I can't say I can fully blame guys for my views. I put myself in many of those situations. I let them happen and, in some cases, even initiated them, but that doesn't make it right. Especially when you find yourself questioning those you care about. I find myself constantly wondering what people want from me. I am afraid of letting myself get close to someone and letting myself open up to someone. I'm afraid of showing people my heart... even though I seem to wear it on my sleeve.

Really.

2006-07-05T00:17:00.000-05:00

I ran into a friend from Florida last week. He was the first person I really connected with on the trip and we had some good talks while down there. We haven't really talked much since, not for any real reason, but we've both been on our own journeys this past semester. We chatted for awhile and then decided that we're going to have dinner or something later this week probably, but something hit me as we talked and it was this: "Kim. How are you doing these days? For real." I don't know why that phrase will forever mean so much. I know because of Laurie, but I think it goes deeper than that as well. I guess because I think about how often we ask how people are doing. I mean, I ask it to customers everyday at work, but do I really care to wait to hear thier response? I mean, if one of them was like "Really? I'm having a shitty day..." and started listing their problems, I think I'd want to slap them. I walked past a stranger at the store the other day and he was like "Hi. How's it goin?" Of course you say "Good. You?"

But what if I'd stopped and been like "You know, it's going fairly well. I'm having a pretty low key, but good summer. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life though and what I want out of life. There are times I feel like I know what God wants me to do, but then again, there are times where I wonder if God even really calls people to specific 'fields'. Actually, I'm still trying to figure out where God is exactly in my life these days, but then again, when I really step back and REALLY look at the last few months, I see God all over it in my friends. And I'm worried that my best friend might not come back to Calvin. I mean, I know she says she's going to, but I really don't know..." He would have probably looked at me like I was insane and never wanted to say hi to anyone ever again.

When it gets down to it, it's the people that ask and stop to really hear an answer that matter. As the summer goes on, I become more and more sure that I made the right choice in staying here. I might not be making as much as I would have at home, but that's alright. I might miss my family, but they are my family, I know they are always there for me. Ultimately, I am with the people that I should be with right now. I really have made some of the greatest friends I could have asked for this past semester. And, once again, I owe it all to Mark and making me go to Florida.

Thinking so much. Writing so little?

2006-07-03T00:20:00.000-05:00

This week has been an interesting one. I chatted for an hour or so with a friend I hadn't talked to in a few months... and then made plans to catch up this next week. Somehow, I think him and I feel the same restlessness in it all and are fervently searching for the answer to what we are supposed to be doing and what really matters. It's interesting...

I finished Shane Claiborne's book (the one I couldn't put down). I still have a desire to go to Philly and see what life out there in the Simple Way is all about, and yet, the more I read, the more I wondered if that's really for me in the long run. I mean, not that that should decide whether or not I visited, but ultimately, I realized I really don't know what I'm meant to do. I don't know where my passion lies or what I'm supposed to do. It's such a frustrating feeling. I'm working on it... slowly...

Virginia in a week. I cannot wait. Trent and Natalie... somehow they bring a sense of comfort to my life. Here's to old friends that only know you as you... no masks... no strings attached.

seeking my heart... in search of my faith

2006-06-21T00:11:00.000-05:00

I put down my book and began thinking about the people that have impacted my life and influenced my beliefs and faith...

my mom. without her, i would have never set foot in a church.

mary, my 2-3 grade Promiseland leader, who began teaching me who Jesus the person was

carol, my 8th grade-freshmen year small group leader, who taught me understanding and forgiveness withouth even knowing it

becky fuller, who walked with me through my pain in the ass freshmen/ sophomore years and helped me develop a faith in God i didn't know possible

steve downs, who, for whatever reason, became like a big brother to me my first few years in high school

laurie boncimino, who was always there to walk through life with... and who taught me to feel death again... and that God is the only constant i will ever find

brian steck, who was always ready and willing for a deep discussion and a few laughs... and was never afraid to be honest with me, even when the truth hurt

mishi, my best friend through it all. despite our changes and differences he is still always there. there are few people in this world like him and i will forever be grateful for him in my life

Doug North, who taught me that I was worth something and to never settle for less... and always made me laugh

Eve Rickert- who I can never explain enough about... she saw some sense of potential in me, though always seems to know that i doubt myself... deep down, she saw my love for people and was always willing to talk and listen... i don't know what i would have done without her in my life

Barb- my only real small group leader, who taught me it was ok to be a girlie girl... even if i don't want to admit it... and has shown me strength and faith that is unimaginable

isaiah... who taught me that sometimes the less words spoken are the more impactful. who taught me that silence can be important... and that you can be both serious and fun

stephanie pelka, my older me. the one who always understood what i was going through and thinking, who never judged and always loved.

dee heick, who's words i carry with me to be myself. God knows it all anyway, why be different around certain people just to make them happy?

trent werwath, who taught me that friendship and community transcend convinience and is always there to remind me of who i am deep down and where my heart is

scott brown, whose conversations and friendship i could not have survived high school without

craig brown, who taught me its ok to not be perfect and its ok to question, because in the end, it's the people around you that care about you that matter... he was never afraid to be brutally honest with me

chris novaczyk, who was always loyal... always there for me... always someone to make me smile

dana crabtree, who continues asking me about God, even in my questioning and doubt

jenna humphreys, who spent countless hours with me at wendys talking about life, God, and everything else

jarrett and jeanne stevens, always loyal servants to God... strength, wisdom, guidance, and laughs... all in leadership

aaron neiquist, pretty much my worship leader for life i think

shauna neiquist, never very close, but always present. her poise and way with words never failed to amaze me... her honesty in her struggles despite her position as a PK...

John Ortberg, whose messages always challenged me and who taught me that sarcasm can be part of the church

rob bell, who continues challenging me and teaching me my roots as a christian and challenging my thoughts and faith

shane claiborne, who lives for what he believes and fights for what he believes in... he's not afraid to live for Jesus in the way he feels called to do... a servant to the homeless and a voice for those often overlooked

mark mulder, my professor who probably saved my belief in God and set me back on a path to find myself again

Don DeGraff, another professor who, despite our disagreements, sees potential in me that i fail to see

Alex Livingston, who taught me that i haven't made any mistakes that are unforgivable... and who, for some reason, cared about me when almost no one else seemed to

samuel, who taught me that change is hard, but worth it... who showed me that there were still people out there that just understand you

elliot, who is always honest with me, even if i don't want to hear it... i appreciate our conversations more than he knows

eric vanraay, probably one of my favorite people to talk to

shannon, my best friend, my partner in crime, probably the person i've been more honest with about my doubts and questions... we laugh, we cry, we get over it and have fun... both in search of... anything and everything

this is not an exhaustive list... but it's mine for now...

reading...

2006-06-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

i can't put this book down...
more to come i'm sure.
simply... me.

hiding.

2006-06-13T16:28:00.000-05:00

I've been hiding from myself less and less. Sitting at church this past weekend, Aaron began playing "I Will Stay Empty". I stood there and wondered... what has happened to me? Just a few short years ago, those words were introduced to me in that song and I sang it with all my heart. I lived each day with God. God was the center of my life. I thought I lacked faith, but looking back, I had more faith then than I realized. I had faith that God was there with every step of my day.

I think about a boy I was rude to. Not just rude, but blantantly ignored after my return in January. I came up with all sorts of excuses for my actions, but ultimately, I was scared. I didn't like myself at that point, how could anyone else? I wonder that frequently. My friend has told me that I'm afraid to let anyone like me. He says that I will never let anyone like me for me, because I don't like myself enough to do that. I hear his frustration as he says it sometimes. I realized... he's right. I'm terrified of seeing in myself what everyone else seems to see. In myself I see only the darkness and bitterness and coldness to the world. Others seem to see something different. They see someone that cares, almost to a fault. They see someone that loves people more than she loves herself at times. They see someone that isn't afraid to be brutally honest with people, because the truth, no matter what the consequences, is better than lies. They see someone fervently searching for answers, holding on to the hope that they are out there. They see a girl who seems afraid to be happy, because she fears that following all happiness is hurt.

They see a girl who seems so full of confidence and poise, yet really, she is more self-conscience than anyone she knows and puts up a wall to keep anyone from finding that out... and yet... she really is confident in who she is and what she wants from life... she's just uncertain of how she will get there.

Church. Home. And the Chicago Sun Times.

2006-06-04T16:55:00.000-05:00

I went to church when I got home last night. I don't know if I've ever felt more lonely and out of place. Perhaps it's the extremely tall cielings or the pale paint and lack of decor, but I walked through the doors and just felt... alone. When I lived at home, going to church alone was one of my all time favorite things to do. I absolutely loved it. Last night I walked around the church and wonder where my home went. Should the church you grow up at feel like foreign territory to you when you come home from college? Because it does to me. It was everything I could do to keep from crying as I walked around this building that was my home. It just all seemed so impersonal. The "old" building seems all but forgotten about while the "new" part seems cold and empty. I still cannot figure out how to feel comfortable in the new auditorium. I walked into Axis and was yet again saddened. What has happened? The once full gym twice in a weekend... barely fills the center section of the old auditorium... and most of the people there are not the 20 something generation. As Jarrett got up to speak, all I could think was... they're the last ones left... and now it's time for them to leave too. I can't really blame the Stevens for leaving. Part of me wants to scream at the to run hard and fast away and never look back because it will hurt them if they do. I've only been away from home for three years and all of the familiar faces seem to be gone from the stages of my church. Jarrett has a few more messages to give and he's gone. The last familiar faces. That last ones that automatically give off the impression that they care about the people. I cannot imagine how worn down and frustrated they must be with all the changes and thus, drops in numbers that have occured in both Axis and Impact of the years. It must be taxing. It was as I walked out yesterday that I realized... as much as I love the Willow Creek I grew up in and know in my heart... it isn't mine anymore. I realized then how comfortable I am going to Mars alone. And have talked with my friend about how much we will miss our church after graduation. As they showed NOOMA 5 at Axis last night, like "ooo... that's Rob Bell! He's awesome..." and others like that. Far different from the comments I hear at Calvin. It also made me laugh because I far prefer hearing him in the shed at Mars than anywhere else. He seems comfortable. Laid back. Home.

And then I wake up and my dad goes "look at the Chicago Sun Times." I pick it up... a huge picture of Rob Bell on the front. I almost started laughing. "The Next Billy Graham?" was the heading... making me want to laugh even more. I hope God uses Rob Bell to reach the world... but I can garauntee it will be in a different way than Bill Graham. Mother Theresa will always be the only Mother Theresa. Billy Graham will alway be the only Billy Graham... and Rob Bell will always be Rob Bell. That's all there is to it. Each person in this world is only themselves... there will never be another... ooo headings and expectations... make me laugh. Especially when they are about a man I see in Wendy's with his wife and kids and another family... we are all just people... some just have different paths that God has put them on.

safe?

2006-05-18T21:46:00.000-05:00

Is there such a thing? Are we ever really safe in this world? As I think of my life, I don't know if there's ever really a time I feel safe. The only times that come to mind... are perhaps safety in the wrong form. Safety I find in someone's arms... just someone I know is protecting me for that period of time. I think of the other times in my life... I am not safe. I am not safe at home or at school. Do I spend my whole life watching my back, making sure I am protecting myself? I have this tendency to always be looking over my shoulder, sometimes literally, often figuratively. I make sure I don't get too attached to people and push people away when I think I might be. I deny the idea that anyone can know me well and that, if they think they do, they must be missing something. I don't let people show interest in me, because if they do, they must have missed something that would send them bolting in the opposite direction. We're all looking for safety. We spend out time looking for that one person that we can be safe with... but, what if you never find that person? How do we learn to be safe in our own skin?

summer. home. life.

2006-05-07T19:26:00.000-05:00

Driving down the highway
Saying goodybye to it all
In between the blues and greens
We're following the call
That takes us so far away
From summer's sunny days
I'm missing you already
I can still see your face

Sitting underneath the stars
With a cold beer and old friends
Talking till the sun comes up
And then we'd do it again
Well you've become a part of me
That I never wanna lose
Till we come back together
You know I'll be missing you.

I can hear us laughing
I remember every part
I've got everything we ever did
It's tattooed on my heart
There's a cold wind coming in
And blowing us apart
Till the summer brings us back
Know you've got a piece of my heart
-Keri Noble

This song is on our Florida DVD that we finally got over the weekend. Is it possible to miss something so much? Maybe it's not so much that I miss it, but more... I realize how much it changed me. I know Costa Rica changed my life, but this is a different change. I wish I could go back and really soak in some of those moments a little more. But ultimately, I don't know where I would be if I hadn't gone. I needed out of Grand Rapids... out of Chicago... out of my "element". I needed to get away from some people... and realize how much others mean to me... and meet new people. As the semester comes to a close, I think of how fast it's flown by. So different than last semester. I also realize that I probably wouldn't be finishing up this semester if it wasn't for Florida. I probably would have flunked out or, more likely, dropped out. I'd probably be off screwing up my life. I would have continued on my downward spiral. I would have continued telling everyone I was happier than ever, all the while trying to convince myself that I was happy at all. It's a long road back. Back to where? I'm not really sure, but I'm on it.

As I hear of people excited to return home, specifically back to Chicago, I can't help but think how I would not be excited to be going home for the summer. There are many reasons I'm choosing to stay here. The list is full of benefits for other people... my employers, my family (although I know they don't see it that way), but ultimately, I'm doing it for me. I know I will have days where I wish I'd chosen different. I know I will have times where I'm lonely. I know I will have moments where I wonder what I was thinking. But I know I have to do this. For me. I know I have to prove I can stand on my own two feet once again.

This isn't home. But this is where I belong right now. I'm not quite sure where home is anymore. But what I do know, is that I will forever thank Mark for being persistant in talking me into going to Florida. I will forever be thankful for the people that went on that trip with me. They have a piece of my heart. And the memories truely are tattooed on my heart. I don't know what I would have done without them. I know I will never have that experience again. It's bittersweet. It brings me pain. It makes me laugh. Ultimately, it leaves me with a sad smile that lingers on...

conversation with a friend.

2006-05-03T01:56:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a friend today and it was interesting. Somehow, this guy and I have an understanding about one another. We both just understand the other person. So, we were talking today and about hard it is to straighten life out again. I'm trying so hard to straighten my life out and get things figured out and pass my classes and not keep screwing up... but it's harder than it sounds. I've realized that my mistakes aren't just swept under the rug. They haunt me. My friend feels the same way. Different situations, but similar feelings. But we have both decided that somehow... we will overcome it.

Florida was more than just a class. It was more than just a fun off campus interim. It helped people get away so they could come back and get their shit together.

I'm so proud of us all that needed to and did do that.

I hope it lasts.

We learn from our mistakes. No regrets. Only life lessons.

finished.

2006-04-20T22:44:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I recieved an email with the finished product from what I began in Costa Rica.

So cool to see. The gym is the grey building. Fraijanes has a gym now to bring people together and give the kids a place to play soccer during their long rainy season. No more hour long bus rides and soccer having to coincide with bus schedules. Huge things are happening at the church there. I'm so happy for them.

Sitting in church...

2006-04-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

The decision over whether or not to go to church tonight was made. I went. I'd like to be able to say that I have attended church weekly over the past year, but it would be a lie. I haven't. Not because I don't like it or because I disagree with it or anything like that, I just haven't felt like sitting through worship, as weird as that might sound. I won't sing words I don't mean and standing there for 20+ minutes while songs I used to sing with my whole heart passed by. It left me feeling empty and hallow and realizing just how distant I have become from the God I once knew so well and love so much.

Much to my disappointment, Aaron was not leading worship today. It's not that I don't like Troy, I'm just used to and spoiled by having Aaron as my worship leader for the past 8 years. But then it started. "Better is one day in your house... than thousands elsewhere." And it hit me. I've been living those "thousands elsewhere" and as I remember back to the days where my life was spent living in God's "house" they were better. Even thinking of one day then made me 100 times happier than thinking of any of the others put together. It's so hard to figure out how to get back to that. It's a hard path back. It's hard knowing I can't be who I was, but knowing that I can be better than I am. This semester has been so much better. I've been learning and growing and becoming a better person. I'm finding out that I still need God in my life... and that He's still there... waiting.

I keep listening to this song from church back home last weekend.

He knows your secret thoughts
your worries and your doubts
the dreams that keep you up at night
and toss and turn you

He knows the things you worry about
He knows the things you wish you could stop
He knows the ugly words you say
that you don't understand

He know the things you wonder about
He knows the million questions
He knows the hunger and the burning curiousity

He knows the victories you've won
and He knows all you loved and lost
and what it is that rips you up inside
the things that make you cry

He knows the truth you wish you knew
He knows the good you wish you'd done
He knows the things you wish you'd never seen
or thought about

He knows the private agony
He knows the secrets you can't hide
He knows the ones you wish you'd never hurt
the hearts you've broken

He knows as you're moving closer to him
sometimes you just want to run... -Greg Ferguson

That last part hits home. I'm trying God... I'm trying... please be patient. To know that I have a God that loves me who knows... who knows everything... there's some sense of comfort in that... and fear. As I listened to the pastor today at church, I couldn't help but wonder if we're all missing something. If there's more to living for God than just being a good person and saying the right words. Maybe it's ok that I've screwed up. Maybe it's ok that I continue to. Maybe it's ok that I continue to figure it out and search for God all over again. Maybe it's ok that I view God differently now. Maybe it's ok that I need more than just comfort from God. Maybe it's ok that part of me is wary towards the idea of fully trusting God again. Maybe it's ok that part of me wants to give Him everything I have to offer. Maybe it's ok that I can't right now, but that I continue on this journey, gaining sight of Him more and more everyday. As I move closer, sometimes I just want to run in the other direction again. It's an everyday battle and choice. I'm trying. Better is one day...

long time no write.

2006-03-28T00:17:00.000-06:00

I write my thoughts down less and less. Cali was good, but I definitely don't want to live there. I have a lot on my mind lately. weird.

life.

2006-03-14T16:58:00.000-06:00

I think I have more blogs than I know what to do with most of the time... different people that read each one... however, I don't seem to write much in any of them anymore. It's not from a lack of thoughts to write. There are moments I think of how many thoughts go undocumented and how many will be forgotten, but I just can't bring myself to write them down.

I've been missing home a lot lately. Something about my house, my parents, and my brother that creates a pit in my stomach... I ache for home. Yet, I realize that even going home does not change much. Home is not home anymore. My family has changed... for the better or for the worst, we have all changed. As my 21st birthday approaches, I cannot look more and more forward to it. One of the last "milestone" birthdays for a long time. I won't be home for it. It's over my spring break and I'm heading to San Diego with my best friend instead. I'm excited for my trip and the fun to be had, but part of me is saddened by the fact that I won't be with my family. Who knows when I will be with them for my birthday again? As the years pass, distance between us grows. The family dynamics are cracked and broken and individual bonds take over.

I look toward the summer. Will I be home at all this summer? Home has become a place I visit, not a place I live. What will next summer hold? Living in Grand Rapids? Living in Illinois? Living elsewhere? Working? Grad school? Will I be facing it alone as I've faced the last 21 years or will there be a special someone in my life to look towards the future with? But in my decision to change majors, though I'm not sure my parents understand, and having my family go on their first vacation without me (even my brother is going) I begin to wonder... when do we cease to be our parents' children and become our own person? I know I will always be my parents' child, but as much as I depend on them, it is up to me to succeed or fail now. My dad cannot "fix" everything for me anymore. My mom cannot "protect" me from the world. My brother cannot pick on me and assume I'll still be there the next day. Everytime I go home, an argument of some sort errupts. With each argument, I can't help but think that it's wasted time. It's a failure to have a conversation to deepen my relationship with my family, but rather alienates us more from each other.

These days in March.

2006-03-04T01:35:00.000-06:00

I feel like I should be writing some deep profound thoughts. However, I lack them. This past week I've been trying to reflect on my life this past year. It's weird how a year seems to go from March to March now. I've been reading through journals and blogs I've written in the last year. Words full of hope and peace and faith in a God so strong. Words full of despair and doubt and questioning a God so unknown. Words trying to convince myself and everyone else that I was content with the path my life was on. Words full of love for Laurie. Words full of anger for her. Words full of pain for her. I have one last piece of my puzzle coming in the mail. The final letter I wrote to myself on the plane on the way home from Costa Rica a year ago. Neil sent them out to us as promised and my mom is sending mine my way. I don't remember what I wrote and I'm kind of afraid to read them, because I know I'm no where near where I thought I would be, which is ok, but still a sad realization.

My mom told me I shouldn't make any big decisions this week. So I bought a plane ticket to San Diego for spring break and decided to change my major (probably, not officially yet). And yet, I am so excited for both. San Diego with Shay as I turn 21 out there with Katie and Shay's cousin. An adventure in Cali for us both. A day trip to LA just for fun. A sociology major instead of social work. Professors that care, what a change? A future.

I miss Laurie. But if I'm a little bit selfish, I think I miss life before missing Laurie more. I miss days where March 2-5 were nothing more but 4 more days in the month. I miss days where I didn't wonder what would have possessed this awesome girl I know to take her own life. I wouldn't wonder why this death hits me more than all the others that I've been around. I wouldn't wonder her last thoughts. I wouldn't wonder why.

My mom said something to me the other day that hit me. She said the old phrase "These times are a changing." I responded by saying "yeah, but I guess that's college right?" Her response? "Yeah, but you've had to deal with more than your share of changes in your life."

I guess my point is that I don't know a life of consistency. I realize that life is always changing, that's not what I mean... I've learned to rely on myself and that those who I meet along the way are just an added support.

I view each change as a new adventure. Some are more difficult than others. Some are unwanted, some are deeply desire, some are painful, some are full of joy, and some are simply fun. This is my adventure.

"It's foreign on this side.
But it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide,
But I don't think I'm scared." -nickel creek

My best friend.

2006-03-01T23:35:00.000-06:00

I really do have the one of the best friends ever. She's not a very huggy person, nor is she a really emotional seeming person, but I don't know what I would have done this past year without her. She was at the house tonight and I mentioned that I was thinking about maybe going to the lake tomorrow (though it might be icing all day...) and she was the only person I've mentioned the idea to that has volunteered to go with me. Then, after she left, she turned around and came back to the house. She walked in and went "I just didn't think I should leave yet until I gave you a hug. Seriously, if you need anything tonight or tomorrow or ever, just give me a call." Then gave me another hug and left.
God reminded me tonight how much He has blessed me with the people in my life.

Ripped Apart.

2006-02-26T23:49:00.000-06:00

Once again, I feel like my world is slowly crumbling around me. I didn't know it could anymore. Shay just told me that she couldn't promise that she'd be back in GR next year or that she'd be here the whole year... so she doesn't know if she's gonna want to sign a lease... aka... Kim's screwed. I feel like my best friend has been taken away from me. It started when she went home for Christmas and has been going on ever since. I just feel like my world is slipping away from me again. Alex joined the Marines... he's leaving in September. And I'm all alone again. And it hurts. As March 2 approaches... I remember the pain and confusion. I also remember the people that were there for me... and those of us that were there for each other. But time went on... promises to not lose touch were broken, not on purpose, but it happens.

God made us to live together in community. Maybe God made me to be alone.

I've been so blessed with my new friends that I met in Florida, but there's still so much I'm working on. I'm tough. I know I can do it. I know nothing is hopeless. I just know it's hard.

::Edit::
What would I do without Steph in my life? Seriously. I can't wait to see her this weekend. She already said she'd help me find an apartment and whatnot and just to chill with her again... I can't wait!

2006-02-24T19:37:00.000-06:00

Doubting Thomas- Nickel Creek

2006-02-20T17:28:00.000-06:00

What will be left when I’ve drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I’ve met and the folks who’ve known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I’m a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I’m a coward
If there’s a master of death
I bet he’s holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I’m a doubting Thomas
I can’t keep my promises
Cause I don’t know what’s safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I’m scared I’ll find proof that it’s a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I’m not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I’ve wasted

I’m a doubting Thomas
I’ll take your promise
You’ve always kept me safe
Oh me of little faith
Oh me of little faith

what i want

2006-02-14T21:58:00.000-06:00

I want to smile without a thought in the world. I want to feel loved. I want to make people know they are loved. I want to let people know how much I care about them, even if it doesn't seem like I do. I want to laugh and live life to its fullest. I don't want to fear the future, but embrace it. I want to look at the world and get excited about the little things. I want people to get excited with me and not think I'm crazy. I want to speak my mind about everything, not just my harsh opinions about things. I want to ask questions and look for answers without feeling like I'm missing something. I want to embrace life... I want to swim in the ocean and feel the wind on my face.

a downward spiral

2006-02-02T21:03:00.000-06:00

11 months ago I went on a downward spiral. Costa Rica back then was amazing... and I still think it was God's blessing to have that trip for me back then. It's hard for me to think about these last 11 months without thinking about Laurie, because it kind of got me questioning my own life and how I was living and God and where He fit into this huge spectrum of life. In these thoughts and questions, I placed God in the back corner of the spectrum of my life. God was like a child put in time out and forgotten about. I set off on a downward spiral. Nothing mattered anymore. School, work, friends, relationships... nothing. The Donnie Darko quote about the search for God being pointless if everyone dies alone took on a whole new meaning in my life. I didn't believe that prayer mattered or that God really cared. My fall. I became yet another person one the list that believed in God, but didn't live it out in any way, shape, or form. Then Florida.

Aside from all the other amazing times that were had on that trip, perhaps the hardest was the Rivertooth. A Rivertooth: a story about a significant event in your life that explains where you are right now. The obvious choice for me? I ended my Rivertooth by stating that "I still totally believe in God. I guess I've just lost my hope and faith in Him." As the words left my mouth, it hit me. That's where I was. It's hard to get back to somewhere when you don't know where you are, and that's the moment I realized where I was. Conversations, discussions, and laughs later, I find myself gaining it back.

"You obviously shared a big part of yourself and it was fun to see you gain confidence throughout the trip. I know last semester was a difficult one but I hope this interim is the beginning of the healing process." -Don DeGraff, one of the professors from the trip... this taken from an email he sent the other day.

There was a reason Mark didn't give up on getting me to go to Florida. There was a reason God gave my parents the automatic understanding that I needed to go. I needed to start fresh. I needed to meet people who knew nothing about me that I could be real with... about my joys and my sorrows... and that's what I got.

It's more difficult being back and changing than I thought it'd be. People are still fitting me into the mold of the person I've been this past semester. I was sitting here the other night, alone since Shay's parents made her move out, thinking about my last 6 months and how far I was and how hard it is to change. It seems like there's so much working against me. My friend from Florida could tell that something was bothering me and without a second thought or waiting for an answer when he asked me if I wanted him to come over, just came over to talk and be there with me and for me. In his Rivertooth, he said something about learning to live with the unanswered questions and moving forward and gaining strength from God... and that's what I'm doing.

2006-01-31T22:08:00.000-06:00

4 I made great works; I built houses and planted vineyards for myself; 5 I made myself gardens and parks, and planted in them all kinds of fruit trees. 6 I made myself pools from which to water the forest of growing trees. 7 I bought male and female slaves, and had slaves who were born in my house; I also had great possessions of herds and flocks, more than any who had been before me in Jerusalem. 8 I also gathered for myself silver and gold and the treasure of kings and of the provinces; I got singers, both men and women, and delights of the flesh, and many concubines. F7 9 So I became great and surpassed all who were before me in Jerusalem; also my wisdom remained with me. 10 Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them; I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil. 11 Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had spent in doing it, and again, all was vanity and a chasing after wind, F8 and there was nothing to be gained under the sun. -ecclesiastes 2:4-11

While in Florida, I opened my Bible for the first time probably since last March. I didn't by choice, but because I had to do devos for my group. I bought a new Bible this past fall when I was home, in hopes that it would help somehow. It didn't. A new Bible didn't make me open it any more than I opened my others. However, today, once again, I had to sign up for devos in one of my classes. I chose to do it this Thursday... so tonight I went outside with my black and pink Bible, opened up to the only book I remember liking, and started reading. It's weird how Florida changed me. I read this verse and thought immediately of Miami. 4 of us were walking around one day about a mile from the South Beach strip we were staying on. There were new condos going up, with a sign in front that read "More than you need. Everything you desire." We literally stood there for a minute asking ourselves if we were seeing things or if there was really a sign there that said that. There was indeed. The night before, a few of us had gone on a walk along the boardwalk and saw many signs of the people who have no place to call home but a bench along the boardwalk. A mile. A single mile. If that. At one point, we saw three Ferrari's all next to each other. All these people seemed to care about was themselves and what they could aquire.

Our society has become blinded by wealth and money. We've become so wrapped up in it and it's consumed our lives. We've built our lives around it as if it really matters. In the end though, it won't matter at all. Sometimes I wonder who's really better off... the ones with their huge houses and nice cars and fancy vacations... or the ones with their bench and bike and walk down the sidewalk...

If people can have "More than they need. Everything they desire" then couldn't they help someone else have all that they need?

things i never learned.

2006-01-28T02:24:00.000-06:00

Despite the number of things I've learned over the years, there are a few things that I hate that I never learned. For instance, the fact that I deserve to be treated with respect and cared for by the opposite gender. I've always felt sorry for my male friends because I realize the amount of pressure I've always placed on them without their knowing. They are the ones that remind me that I deserve a good guy in life and that I am worthy of being treated like a princess. They are the ones that I run to when my heart is breaking and my world is crumbling and I don't know where to turn. They are the ones that hold me I cry and tell me I'm beautiful when I feel ugly. They are the ones that I look to for acceptance for any guy I am interested in.

My dad told me he loved me for the first time this past Christmas. It stunned me and I almost didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry... I wanted to scream... I wanted to ask him why it took him so long... I wanted to tell him it was too late, the damage was done. I wanted to ask him why I never felt like he loved me... I wanted to ask him if he knew how much it had effected me... I wanted to ask him so many things... instead I just said "Love you too Dad..." I'd spent my life saying "I love you" to my dad, hoping that one day I'd hear the words "Love you too Kim" come from his mouth, but they never did.

I run from relationships. I get as close as I can without actually having one and then run as far and fast in the opposite direction as I can. Alex keeps telling me that I need to learn that guys CAN like me for who I am, if I just let them. He told me I was "stupid" (not literally) because I'm afraid to let someone like me for who I am. I've let myself feel used this past semester... I've look for attention... I went to Florida not looking for it. I went to Florida to clear my mind and figure out where I'm going with my life. I did both those things and can sit here and say I want to be a better person. I want to find a middle ground between who I was and who I am. And in the midst of this all, there is a person that cares. I wrote him off and pushed him away... not tall enough... too shy... whatever my reason that day... but it didn't faze him. He still came back... and I don't understand it... and it scares me. As I fell asleep on my couch with his arms around me, he didn't try to take advantage of the situation... eventually he told me he was going to head home and let me sleep. With that, he put his shoes on, grabbed his coat, and walked back over to the couch and said goodnight with a light kiss on the forehead. I was shocked... stunned... he's not the tall, dark handsome prince I'd always envisioned... but he respects me... and there's something to be said for that.

Florida.

2006-01-24T20:00:00.000-06:00

There's not enough great things I could say about this past month. Anything I say would have to be tripled and even then, words couldn't explain...

To feel like people are seeing who you are and loving you anyway is unbelievable. To understand that not everyone is in the same place in life... to not be surrounded by Calvin students who don't seem like every other Calvin student... to not hear people talk about their perfect grades and their ideal families... to hear people be real... it was great. To see God's creation and form bonds with people that I would have never otherwise been friends with...

I'm ready for a new semester... I'm ready for a change.

a few x-posts from the last few days...

2006-01-02T00:57:00.000-06:00

Dec. 28, 2005
She looks in the mirror... a little too much pudge here, not enough there. With bloodshot eyes and greasy hair, she should have slept more and woken to the alarm. Too late for that, it's time to put on the face and walk out the door. A black line here, some color there, a few swipes of the brush and she's off. Almost forgot, curve those lips upwards, show those pearly whites, it's what the world wants to see. She knows it'll get her nowhere. She knows she'll continue to walk this world alone. But it's what she must do to make it through another day. Tears in her eyes she walks the crowded spaces between the stores... keep the chin up little girl, you're too old for tears.

Smile at that boy little girl, maybe he's the one for you. As if she'd even know. She's looked for acceptance in all the wrong places. She chases what she can't have. It's the chase she lives for, it's the catch that she fears. So keep on chasing little girl, you're too scared to stop.

I see you little girl. I see you in the mirror, with hair all frizzy and plain. I see your bushy eyebrows and fat cheeks. I see you there. Go on little girl, hide yourself away again.

Jan. 1, 2006
In this land of blank faces, lost dreams, and empty souls, she was just another. Just another face in this world of broken people. There was a time when she thought she was different. She thought she could make a difference in people's lives and change the world... at least a small part of it. Then she was forced to look at herself and realized she couldn't. She'd given in and given up. This was life and it was hers... and she was no different than anyone else.

She should have seen it coming. She did see it coming. The small threads holding her family together slowly falling apart. She saw it... she'd seen it since she was a young girl... she just never thought they'd really start to break, but they did. She had thought that, since they'd held together this long, that they always would, but they won't...

She was just a girl of 8... curled up in the corner all alone. Crying silently into her best friend, a small stuffed bear, the only one that knew it all, she saw her world falling apart. Twelve years later, not much had changed, only she had to face reality. The world would continue to fall apart, no matter what she did or how hard she tried. She wasn't perfect. She wasn't the little girl that could look at the world with an optimistic view any longer. She was simply herself. Broken. Fragile. Alone. She could only save herself now. Her life was the only one she could make better. Hers was the only life she could change. She can't change the world... she can only live in her own...

Happy New Year world...

left on wednesday...

2005-12-17T02:47:00.000-06:00

As much as I wish I'd left on Wednesday after my finals and decided to go home and work, I'm glad I stayed here. I got to spend some time with two of my favorite guys, Cory and Matt. It was good to catch up with them. It's weird not seeing them everyday, but it's nice when I get to.

I forget how much Cory and I have gone through sometimes and how much we understand each other. Even though things didn't "work out" between us, sometimes I think they worked out better than either of us thought. He's been such a great friend in my life, mainly this past year. He's definitely one of my favorite people to talk to.

And Matty. We definitely have our share of differences. Our friendship has always required a lot of work, but he's such a great person to have in my life.

So, they're both gone now. Off to their respective places for break, but it was good to have that time with each of them.

stuff and things.

2005-12-05T22:16:00.000-06:00

I'm realizing how easily some people come in and out of your life.

There are people that will always be there for you, no matter how much time passes.
There are people you'll always stay in fairly regular contact with.
There are people who will mean more to you than anything for a time and slowly fade away.
Then there are the people who don't let you change. Don't let you make your mistakes. Don't let you love and not love and question and answer. There are people who look at you with that look of disgust and wondering "what happened?" These are the people you realize were never really your friends to begin with. They were friends, sure. But friends with limits and boundaries... friends where you all fit a mold... and once it's broken, it's over.
Somehow, when those people come around, there are those people that you realize really are your friends. Those who won't leave you.
Someone told me tonight that they considered me one of their best friends these days. Someone I've only know for about 4 months, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it's true. It's always interesting to see the people you connect with. Sometimes, it's not who you think you will.
I've been blessed with some good friends.

another semester.

2005-12-01T00:27:00.000-06:00

I had to break down and admit that I couldn't do it. I was afraid to tell my parents. Afraid of what they'd say... that they'd view me as a failure... but I couldn't do it.

And so I'm not. I'm accepting the consequences. I'll probably be kicked out of the social work program. I won't be able to do my practicum internship next year. I'll have to reapply to the program after next semester. I'll be here for a semester in a 5th year doing my internship. I'm giving up Chicago semester. I'm giving up graduating on time. I'm giving up looking like I can handle it all.

But I'm gaining back my sanity. I'm gaining my confidence to finish. I'm gaining time to do my best. I'm gaining... my hope.

As I told my mom... I see a light at the end of the tunnel again.
And I cannot wait for this semester to be over.

marriage.

2005-11-21T21:38:00.000-06:00

So, I was at my friend's house the other night w/ Shay and we were having a bondfire and we started talking about marriage. It was an interesting conversation... and scary because what was said makes sense for my life.

My friend told me that he sees me being the dominant part of any relationship I'm in. Not in a bad way, but just in that I'll be the stronger one. Or, he sees me marrying someone that abuses me. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally, mentally, etc...
His reasoning? because I won't believe that someone will actually love me for who I am and won't LET someone like me for me. In the first relationship, the guy would... in the latter, he wouldn't. It's an interesting theory and, unfortunately, one I've thought might be true for awhile. Not that they are fact, or that I can't change them, but I can see that in myself. It's weird to hear someone else see that though and say that.
Weird.

Home tomorrow!

"Miss independent
Miss self sufficient
Miss keep your distance
Miss unafraid
Miss out my way
Miss don’t let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne
So, by keeping her heart protected
She’d never ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive" -Kelly Clarkson

one more week...

2005-11-15T22:35:00.000-06:00

then thanksgiving break.

i'm looking forward to getting home for a few days. i've been doing badly in school, but hopefully will be able to still pass my classes... i might end up on academic probation in the social work program, but that'd be fine. i talked to my mom tonight... she finally seemed to listen to me.

i've been thinking lately that i miss childhood, elementary school, jr. high, high school...

i bought the nickelback cd today... it's really good...

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can’t erase
You can’t replace it
I miss it now
I can’t believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh

so much still to do...

this was your dream

2005-11-10T18:29:00.000-06:00

not mine.

i know what i want...

2005-11-09T01:43:00.000-06:00

i know where i want to be...

help me God...

I want to go follow You...

today/tonight.

2005-11-07T23:30:00.000-06:00

I think I realized today just how much I can't do on my own. I hear these words of encouragement and praise and they bounce off me, never sinking in anymore. Sitting in the computer lab, feeling as though there's no way I can do it all and wanting to just give up and do none of it... do nothing... just get into my car and drive... and drive... and drive...

All I wanted to do was talk to my mom... I wanted to sit down and talk to her... I called her tonight and talked, but it didn't provide me with the motherly comfort I needed. I love her and it helped talking to her, but I didn't feel like she understood...

I called Trent and talked to him for a long time. He wanted to come take me away and that's all I wanted him to do, but him and I both know that's not realistic. It helped... then I fell asleep...

To wake up from a phone call from Barb... I keep walking past the office everyday... I see it and I keep walking...

I need to stop next time...
Not walk by...
Stop.

I can do this.

Tagged again.

2005-10-26T09:34:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is for you Eve!
20 Things People May or May Not Know about Kim...

1. Though shadowed by tragedy, Costa Rica was one of the best times in my life and I'd love to go back some day.

2. I could go whale watching all day everyday for the rest of my life and be completely content.

3. I wish I could convince RBJr. that he wants to move church to Chicago when I graduate from Calvin.

4. My mom used to have to sit outside my door until I was asleep when I was little.

5. Since last March, a little band from MN (And Then I Turned Seven) has become one of my favorite bands ever!
Yeah, hope is all I really need to wash my selfishness and greed,
but theres no hope to be found, no i've looked all around
And if this life that I've lead, only leads to tears in bed then I wont hang around, no I wont hang around.
And now I've come to conclusions that I'm empty, and I thought, I still had everything in me...

6. I have been the same height since 6th grade.

7. I miss my parents and brother more this year than any year before.

8. I love randomly driving down Lake Shore Drive... I miss my city!

9. Noodles is my life. It's a cult. Don't get sucked into working there! They'll own you! But I love it :)

10. I had the best dog and cat in the world growing up!

11. I still have my teddy bear from growing up that I sleep with. He's been through a lot with me.

12. I also still have my childhood blanket, but it stays at home.

13. I had read all of the "Little House on the Prairie" books by the beginning of third grade.

14. I would love to live in a big city one day... downtown.

15. I would love to live in the mountains where I am reminded of the beauty still in this world everyday.

16. I don't trust people. I trust them less and less everyday.

17. I just got an email from one of my leaders from CR... I miss him!

18. I'm a smartass... ok, everyone knows it, but I've been called that within 4 hours of meeting someone!

19. Deep down, I wish I could go back to having the faith I had in high school...

20. I wish I could move back home and work for a year... right now. I miss my home.

to go home.

2005-10-21T09:23:00.000-05:00

in my mind, home is becoming more realistic... more what it should be. i used to view home as my friends... people, wherever they are... home is all over. And to a point, that view still holds true. But right now, for me, home is a place. Home is... home. The yellow house with horrible black shutters that we keep saying we're going to paint. The house with dying trees and bushes out front that are getting removed. The house with cracks in the sidewalk and driveway. The house that needs new kitchen tile and a lot of other work after being lived in by my family for the last 21 years, but that my parents cannot do right now because they are so devoted and dedicated to getting me through college without debt. The room with my silver and black futon, 2 wooden dressers, hard wood floor, stereo, stuffed animals and other childhood things I cannot bring myself to get rid of quite yet, the blue and grey sponged wall, compliments of my mom and i in the summer of 2004. the bathroom that my mom constantly asks me to clean because when i'm home, i take it over... and leave her no counterspace. The house with the empty room that was once my brother's that still contains the ghost of our childhood. This is home. And I miss it.

Maybe it's because I wasn't there much this summer. Maybe it's because I realize how little I'll be there this next year. Whatever the reason, I miss it. I miss my mom and sitting down and talking to her for hours about the dumbest things sometimes. I miss my brother and his constant wanting to see me, but not wanting to make mutual time. I miss my dad and the comfort I find around him in knowing that, no matter what, he won't let anything happen to me or our family and he will take care of everything.

I know I complain about my family sometimes. I know there are aspects of it that has left me with lingering scars and wounds that will take the rest of my life to heal, but that is part of life. They are still my family. They are the people God placed me with forever. And I miss them. I miss home. I miss sitting on the couch, watching tv, and not waking up in a panic because I should have been working on something.

I miss home.

Home cannot just be people to me anymore. People move away. People die. People fade away. People disappoint. People change. People are fragile and easily broken. Rob Bell once said "Friendships in which you all will die for each other can die overnight."

Home is not the church anymore... with a big or little "c"
I miss what Willow Creek used to be in my life. It provided me with church and Church. I miss having the desire to get to the building to see the people and to learn and grow and worship. I miss being full of passion and God and joy. I miss crying to God when I was hurting... and finding comfort. I miss so much about it that it hurts for me to walk in there now. Nothing is left that I knew. Even the building has changed. The people are gone. It is simply a big room, full of strangers... and I am just another one.

I miss Impact. I miss team rooms and meetings. I miss friends. I miss Eve, Aimee, Isaiah, Barb, Sam, Dave... I miss the people I grew with and learned from and with...
I miss the people I used to do life with... I miss going to coffee and lunch and just driving around and hanging out at random houses. I miss hearing people's joys and struggles in life.

As I sit here, listening to Scott Dyer, Greg Ferguson, Camille Eiseman, Rene Ledesma... I remember the comfort and familiarity of walking into a "big" church service and feeling some sense of connection... not because I knew them, but because they were always there...

I know God doesn't call us to a life of comfort, but shouldn't there be a sense of comfort somewhere?

Recently...

2005-10-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

I've dug up my past once again. Things in my life I've dealt with before... things I thought I was done and over with... things that still effect me today. The only difference is that now I don't acknowledge it as much. It's a part of me... and it could have been worse. A lot of people have a much more scarred past than me. I should smile and walk with confidence and a warm heart... but I don't. I've begun to think about why I am the way I am. Why I turn to guys for attention. Why I look to them for love and acceptance. Why I turn to my guy friends for self-assurance and praise. Why do I place so much more value on my relationships with guys rather than those with girls? Why do I take it to heart when one of my male friends doesn't call me when he says he will, but a girl can do the same and I don't think twice? The guy I assume hates me or thinks less of me... the girl I assume is busy and I'll just talk to her later. Why can't I look guys in the eye when they tell me positive things about myself? Why can I hear all the praise in the world from girls and not care?
Why does my heart still break when I tell my dad "I love you" and hear nothing in return?
These things should be done, over, and dealt with.

There are days I wish...

2005-10-17T10:35:00.000-05:00

I'd never known...
Sometimes we suffer from a pain so intense and deep that we cannot pinpoint when it began. Sometimes, we can, but fail to know how it managed to gain control of our lives, let alone know how to change it.
Such pain can cause us to do things in life that we never thought we would and to think things we never took so seriously before.
Such pain can cause us to question and doubt things we'd never imagined ourselves questioning before.
Such pain is not always evident. It lurks inside our being, waiting to creep out. It does not show itself in a drastic way, but rather leaks out a bit with each passing day.
Our view of ourselves begins at an age so young that we cannot remember when it began. Some people view themselves as strong and confident. Others view themselves as weak and quiet. Others have looked for their self-worth elsewhere.
Some find great comfort and joy in religion and God. Some allow Christians to drive them away from God.
Some found joy and peace in a God, a Father, that loves them... only to lose that joy later... people are told that joy lasts forever and cannot be lost... but if that is true, is it possible that one never knew or had joy to begin with? And if so, how does that explain the intense, unexplainable feelings and ideas that could have only come from God? How does that explain the hope and faith found through immense pain? And if that joy did exist... what happens when it is lost? When that peace disappears... when everything that once brought comfort only brings a constant reminder of pain...
what happens?

difficult?

2005-10-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

a friend once told me to be careful. that it was ok that i was having fun, but to be careful, because it could end up hurting in the end and i could have regrets... or something along those lines...

my friend got mad at me the other day for something i said that was degrading to myself. i don't know what it is this year, but i feel like more of my close friends seem worried about me than ever before. i don't understand why. because i seem less secure with myself than i have in the past? even though, in reality, i'm more secure with myself now... i'm just letting the insecurity i have show... i hid it so well for so many years...

people keep telling me i deserve the best. that they get frustrated that i can't see my own self worth. they keep telling me that i have so much going for me in life and that i'm a great person and that i deserve the best from life... but i don't see it. i hate that i make so many people frustrated and worry... i deserve what life serves my way... i figure those are the things coming from God...

2005-10-13T14:04:00.000-05:00

"remember when i cried?
remember when you knew?
remember the look in your eyes?
i know i do...
there was a time when i might have surrendered, but not now" -jars of clay

There were once moments of peace. Moments where the world made sense. There
were times when I cried and felt God's prescence. There were times I knew God was there and with me. There were times I felt the hand of God in my life more than anything else. There were times when I could have sworn I could see His loving eyes through others... there were times I knew God was there...

There were times I surrendered everything I had to God. Surrendered every sin, every doubt, every question, every insecurity, every worry...

But not now. Now I keep them to myself. They are my sins, my doubts, my questions, my insecurities, my worries...

I am sorry God, but I this is where I am right now. I cannot surrender them. My pride and my confusion will not allow it.

"water covers sand
blood covers doubt" -jars of clay

only for you barb

2005-10-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

but i'm not tagging anyone... mainly because most of my friends don't know about this blog and i kinda like it that way...

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

"Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay... I've always loved this song and I listened to this song so much in Costa Rica and it keeps meaning more and more to me everyday...

"The Day Before You", "Fast Cars and Freedom", and "God Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flats... I decided to make these one because I've been listening to this CD a lot, but I don't want my whole thing to be Rascal Flats... those three songs are so good though...

"Breakaway" and "Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson... such a great CD... but I'm loving those two songs these days.

"Carry Each Other" and "Changed" by Aaron Niequist. Have I mentioned lately that I love my church here? cuz I do.

"My Desire" by Jeremy Camp... because I hope I can sing this song one day with truth behind it. that i can sing it without tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart, knowing i'm not there yet... but i still have that ultimate desire... to be used by God...

what scares me most...

2005-10-08T16:08:00.000-05:00

are the days when i understand...
and it all makes sense.

Me? listening to rascal flats?

2005-10-05T07:08:00.000-05:00

"I had all but given up on
Finding the one that I could fall into
The day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow" -Rascal Flats

WARNING: SAPPY

When things didn't work out between a certain guy and I here at school, I wondered if I would ever find someone that would hold my attention and intrigue me the way that a certain boy did in high school. I began to believe that I didn't deserve a good, quality, decent guy. There was something about me that didn't line up quite right with the "good" boys. There was something about me that didn't line up quite right with the "bad" boys though too. I found myself giving up. Not because I'm old or anything like that, because I know I'm not, but because I do not feel as though I've ever been one of those girls that guys could care about "like that." I threw myself into "relationships" and other such things that are not necessarily to my benefit, but I didn't care anymore.

But then I met my new friend. If nothing else, I think there's definite potential for a great friend, but maybe... if it were up to me at least, perhaps more. We have had some good conversations, especially this past week. The similarities in how we live and view life are shocking to me. A good, quality, decent guy... who makes mistakes. There's something about that I find intriguing...

Mish and Steph... I don't owe you any... I didn't say any names ;)
HAHA... Shan says I'm up to number 593803 though.

Who can be against you...

2005-10-03T13:36:00.000-05:00

When I am for you... watching over you...
And though evil befalls you
My strength will prevail
Have no fear
I am with you. -Scott Dyer

Why are you so downcast oh my soul?...
Do you remember oh my soul, Jesus will never leave you. -Camille Eiseman

My hope is in the Lord.
And He loves me.
And He saves me.
And He holds me close in His arms. -John Klinepeter

My life is cracked in ways that I don't understand
And there are holes inside I never planned
But this rollercoaster
Is how You pull me closer -Aaron Niequist

There was once a safe place I knew. A place where the world disappeared and God was the only thing there. Such a place no longer exists. Such a world no longer exists in my realm of being. Last night, Aaron started singing "My Glorious." I kept thinking about the Blast when he "introduced" the song to Impact. The passion, love, and connection with God was so strong. I see these videos, small clips, of old friends worshipping God... singing their hearts out. I see pictures in my mind of my friends and I worshipping... never again on this side of earth.

Flash forward to today. No where is safe. The world is always in my face, screaming at me. God seems void from it all. I find comfort. I seek it out and find it. And I am happy. But the world does no want me to be happy. Life continues to plague me. Thoughts, worldviews, questions, doubts, worry, conversations... but God loves. Love can still change the world. Love wins. It always has. It always does. And it always will. People are what matter. People. And Love.

Rambling. As usual.

last night... this week... it's all the same...

2005-10-01T14:48:00.000-05:00

so, last night at work, i almost broke down... it wasn't pretty... alex "made" me tell him what was wrong even after i told him i'd be fine and he really didn't wanna know... i was grateful for that, but i was SO ANGRY that i had gotten upset... i was SO ANGRY that i even had that story to tell... fuck.

my friend chris's old roommate died recently. i was thinking the other day about what i would do if my roommate died... to say it'd suck is an understatement... damn...

work is going well. i love feeling like i have a life this year.

in other news, steph and mish are coming to visit tonight! i can't wait. they should be here soon. YAY.
i'm off for a quick jog and shower.

just one of those days...

2005-09-29T17:52:00.000-05:00

Just one of those days...

‘There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart’s desire,… the other is to gain it’. -George Bernard Shaw

The confusion and fear… that’s there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. -Nathan (OTH)

Shaw was right: as we strain to grasp the things we desire,… the things we think will make our lives better:… money, popularity, fame… we ignore what truly matters…the simple things: like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had. -Lucas (OTH)

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. -George Bernard Shaw

a little more girlie than usual...

2005-09-28T15:07:00.000-05:00

So, my work has gotten better. I don't hate it there anymore and I've been working on adjusting to new things. It helps that, as people get to know me, they realize I really do know what I'm doing and what I'm talking about and show me a little respect. Perhaps the biggest reason for my change in attitude at work is one of my co-workers. He took the time to get to know me and joke around with me. After I'd worked with him one shift, he invited me to a party at his house (which I couldn't go to), but ever since, we've clicked. He's got my favorite traits in a co-worker... hardworking and laidback. Due to all this, I've become a lot more easy going with people at work and people have seen that I'm a "normal" person. I think I wasn't sure how to "be" here. At home I was the "innocent, good, Christian girl", which isn't me. I'm supposed to "represent" Calvin College, but I'm not exactly a stereotypical Calvin girl. I'm just me. Somewhere in between all the chaos and stereotypes of this world. This co-worker of mine didn't give me a choice but to be myself and it's great.
So when he called tonight to see if I could work because someone couldn't come in, it bothered me that I had to say "No" due to my night class. When he was like "can't you skip it?" part of me almost wanted to be like "of course!" but alas, off to night class I go.

reflecting on the day...

2005-09-22T22:15:00.000-05:00

As I sit here thinking about my day, I think about my after class time. I went to work, which is getting better as time goes on and as I adjust to how they do things here... went with the kids... talked to my mom about Boston of Christmas... went for a jog... chatted with Dan... talked my mom again... chatted with Courtney... and now I'm here, kickin back a Molson Canadian Light (hmm... yeah Canada) and thinking that this afternoon... it's life. While the school and drama is all well and good, this is reality.
Working. Enough said.
The kids. Nothing is a better reminder of life and loving people than working with kids, especially inner city kids. I love those kids and am SO happy I'm working with them again this year. I saw my little Brianna on Tuesday and, even though she's not doing jump rope this year, I know I'll keep in contact with her. Getting to work with Chi-Chi, Breanna, and my boy Reydale and my girl Lauren... I love it. I love all those kids so much and nothing is a better distressor than working with them. It just reaffirms that I'm meant to work with kids like that. When two third graders come up to you, asking you if you're going to take them to McDonald's again because it made such an impression on them that you'd spend time with them... you know you're met to be there.
Boston of Christmas. The reality that I'll be home about 6 days at Christmas. Period. That I'll be staying here to work until my mom's birthday, then going home until I fly out to Boston for my friends' wedding and New Years out there... then back here to work and have January term. Home? Where is that?
My jog. Time with God. Another talk with God... this time about my friends at home... how much I care and hope that life will turn out alright... for everyone.
This is my life journey. I am grateful for those along for the ride.

I hope that those effected by the hurricanes that keep sweeping our nation will overcome and persevere.

Forgiveness.

2005-09-22T13:33:00.000-05:00

I thank God for Barb and Eve... two people in my life to know me well enough to know that everything I do is done with a heart that never stops loving.

The last few days, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on things. Last night, I went to Calvin and pounded out 3 miles around campus. Normally, I hate running, nor can I usually sustain any speed of any kind for more than a half mile, but last night I just kept going. Granted, it wasn't a speedy run of any kind, but it was the best I could do. My side started to hurt and I kept running... I just kept going. I had to run through the pain for it to numb and go away. I talked to God... something I haven't done much of in the last months. And I believe He was there with me... listening. In my mind, I pictured God sitting there with a look on His face that said "finally" as He simply listened. I asked God questions and talked to Him about my past, present, and future. I talked about my family, friends, Laurie, Ms. Wolosick, mistakes, accomplishments, job, natural disasters, man made disasters...I live for a God of love and acceptance. I live for a God that I will inevitably disappoint, but who will love me and forgive me no matter what. They say running and exercise are good for you... that they're healthy. Mentally, physically, emotionally... through the pain, I just kept running...

i never would have thought...

2005-09-20T14:06:00.000-05:00

my life would be where it is now.

I've spent so much of my life trying to make sure I didn't get in anyone's way... trying make sure people weren't upset with me.

The last six months, I began to understand that I will not make everyone happy... I was told that I needed to make sure I was making myself happy...
And I have been... temporarily that is.

And now I find myself here. I don't regret the things I've done, I only regret the fact that my actions have hurt others...

I've been here 3 weeks and already feel like I've let more people down in 3 weeks than in the 20 years before.

I feel like I'm alone... and that I don't deserve to have anyone understand or listen to me. But mainly... I don't know how I could expect anyone to forgive me...

last semester.

2005-09-19T21:46:00.000-05:00

i went out with an old friend from freshmen year yesterday. she asked me about last semester... how it went...
i don't remember much about last semester... except for it was a semester filled with pain and confusion and sadness.
i told her about laurie... about laurie's life... and laurie's death. i relived going around downtown with brian, asking around, posting signs... only to find out the next morning that it was all in vain... she was gone. i went back to that week in my mind... the week of her visitation and memorial... reuniting with old friends... talking again with people i've stayed in contact with... sitting with people in stunned silence... knowing we were all in pain that no words could describe... laurie?

you are still missed laur, but you are with Jesus... you are home... you are at peace...

i spent time in costa rica... right after... praying, learning, loving... growing... remember laurie and mexico and her emails while she was there...

last semester? laurie and costa rica.

we all grow....

2005-09-18T19:59:00.000-05:00

up.
apart.
distant.

I sat in church today and my life came snapping back into reality. Today is real. The choices I make today, the things I do and say... they are all real. I thought of all the things I've worked through in my life. Things with my dad and brother. Learning to love them. Dealing with and accepting the passing down of anger and trying to control it in my life. The hurt and unloved feeling I grew up with. Feeling as though I'd never be good enough... whatever that means. Feeling like I wasn't beautiful... inside or out. Having a low self esteem and lack of confidence, even if I put on a good show. Causing myself pain, just to remember that I could feel. I dealt with these things. Everyday I wake up and, subconsciously, remind myself that I have overcome them.

I must believe that I am worth something. If I don't, no one else will. I must be vulnverable... if I'm not, no one can ever know me. I must open the doors of my heart back up... to God. I must find a balance between accepting my short-comings and sins and remembering that I live with a faith in a loving God.

It was a good weekend. Crazy. Unbelievable. But all around, good. I felt real.

I cannot hold the hands of time.

2005-09-08T13:13:00.000-05:00

Another day slips away
And I get this feeling like nothing has changed
But these years
Keep coming like waves
They wash over me
Day after day
I just watch them rolling by
Standing here beneath the sky
And I can't hold the hands of time
They will move like they will move
But I can hold your hand in mine
And give my time
And give my heart
It's all that I can do
Another night is flying by
Somebody's born
And somebody dies
I wanna look deep in your eyes
I wanna laugh
I want to cry
And I can't hold the hands of time
They will move like they will move
But I can hold your hand in mine
And give my time
And give my heart
It's all that I can do
I just watch it rolling by
Here with you beneath the sky
And I can't hold the hands of time
They will move like they will move
But I can hold your hand in mine
And give my time
And give my heart
It's all that I can do
Take my time
Take my heart
Cause they belong to you
It's all that I can do
-Tyrone Wells

I don't find myself writing about God much anymore. In fact, I don't find myself talking to God much anymore, but I find myself constantly filled with thoughts of Him. I see what my relationship with Him used to be. I see what it is now... and I wonder how it went from one to the other...

There are people my age who have never felt like God was moving in their life. They've never felt God's passion fill them to the brim that it can't help but overflow onto those around them. They have accepted Christ as their Savior and God as the Creator, but they have not felt the hand of God in their life. I have. At such a young age, I felt that passion. But now it has drained out somehow. Like a slow leak at the bottom of a bucket, I was losing it the whole time, without ever realizing.

The God-setting-things-right that we read about has become Jesus-setting-things-right for us. And not only for us, but for everyone who believes in him. For there is no difference between us and them in this. Since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.
Romans 3:22-24 (The Message)

I have fallen short of the life God wills for me. I have compiled a laundry list of sins. The list is bound to only be added to. I cannot sit here and say that I know what God has in store for my life. I cannot sit here and say that I will make the right or smart choices in life. I cannot promise that I will be the person people believe I can and should be. I cannot say that I will live up to the standards I feel as though are placed on me as a Christian, daughter, sister, or friend.

I can only hope that those around me that say they are can forgive me as my gracious God can. I know that God does not give me permission to go out and sin, but He understands my life and who I am. He understands where I have been, where I am, and He is the only one that knows what is in store for me next.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I would have told you that you're crazy. I would have told you that you don't know what you're talking about. And yet, here I am. I can only hope that God will continue to have His hand in my life and keep me safe... for this road I am on is a bumpy one... and one that will not soon end. This is my path, my life, my choices... they are not for anyone else to judge but me and God.

moved in.

2005-09-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

I've moved in, started the "new" job, and here I am, stealing internet from the neighbors.

I walked in today and my roommate was listening to some worship music and it just made me so angry. I couldn't stand sitting there and listening to it. It made me want to cry... and scream in raging fury. I don't know why. I don't know why I'm so angry and bitter. I've noticed I have the feeling everytime I hear a song that reminds me of Impact and Willow Creek. It just frustrates me. I had to leave the room, so I did. "Better Is One Day" used to be one of my favorite songs. It's true. Better IS one day in His courts than thousand elsewhere... but we still have to live those thousands of days elsewhere.

I don't know why I'm so frustrated. I just am. Maybe it's because things are different with some of my friends here. Maybe it's because not everyone is here yet. Maybe it's because I don't know what's going on with a certain person. Maybe it's because I don't like my "new" job.

Ugh. I wish I wasn't so frustrated...
oh well. at least i have a good book i'm reading.

less than 36 hours...

2005-08-26T01:51:00.000-05:00

until I'm back in GR.
It's crazy to think about. I feel like this summer flew by, but I'm looking forward to getting back. My room is still a disaster zone and I don't know where Shay and I are gonna put all our shit when we get there, but I'm looking forward to it none the less.
Tonight was my last Noodles shift here. It was sad this time though, not knowing if I'll be back again. Conchas, Rafi, and Teresa all wanted pictures :) and Rafi made me this really sweet name picture thing. I'm gonna miss the people there, but such is life. I'm looking forward to getting back with my friends in GR. Shay and I will have fun catching up and all this next week I'm sure, along with Courtney, Matty, Aaron, and everyone else.
Tomorrow will be hectic. I need to finish packing AND clean my room.
Breakfast with Barb.
Errands.
Chill with Mishi?
Chill with Jackie? (Maybe mix the Jackie and the errands?!)
Load up the vans and my car...
Go to my bro's play with Steph...
SLEEP!

2005-08-24T23:46:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a friend the other day who said to me that I need to remember that I can't make everyone else happy, but I need to make sure I'm doing the best I can to make myself happy. My question is... am I?
I had the opportunity to spend time with Eve the other day. She asked me what sorts of tough questions I'm asking myself. I found myself speechless... all these questions going through my mind... but to voice them? That would make them real. I was left with "I dunno." But really? My questions are simple. I'm just afraid of them... because with them, I feel as though I'm turning my back on everything I believe...

Does God have total control over the world?
Does God really care about everything that happens here on earth?
Who can I trust? Who can I believe is being honest with me?
Why do I feel most judged by fellow Christian? Why am I most ashamed to talk to them about how I feel about God, life, and myself?
I once had this tight-knit Christian group of friends... where did they go? Why did we all come back together for Laurie's funeral... for our friend's death... but forget about each other once again in life? Why is it that the people that show an interest in my life and care about me, aren't Christians?
Why is it that when I get together with other Christians, I shut down? Especially when the topic of God comes up.
Why is it that I'm bitter about that fact that my friend's friend just died from cancer? Why can't I sympathize with her more? Instead, I feel jaded and bitter... at least she knew she couldn't do anything. At least she knew she had a chance to say last words to him if she wanted.
Why is it that I don't feel more sympathy for my friend who's grandfather just died?
Why is it I feel like this world is full of death and destruction...?
Why is it that sometimes we get to decide when we die, sometimes others do... and once in awhile... God does?
Why is it that I feel as though God understands my questions?
Why is it that I believe God knows that my questions come from an honest heart and not one that is doubting Him?

Then, Eve sends me this:
"It is very hard to accept an early death. When friends die who are seventy, eighty, or ninety years old, we may be in deep grief and miss them very much, but we are grateful that they had long lives. But when a teenager, a young adult, or a person at the height of his or her career dies, we feel a protest rising from our hearts: "Why? Why so soon? Why so young? It is unfair."

But far more important than our quantity of years is the quality of our lives. Jesus died young. St. Francis died young. St. ThÈrËse of Lisieux died young, Martin Luther King, Jr., died young. We do not know how long we will live, but this not knowing calls us to live every day, every week, every year of our lives to its fullest potential."

Part of me was surprised that she'd even thought about me. I was glad she did... it really hit me... and made me realize that maybe... maybe I'm not the only one with such feelings.
Then I thought about quality of life. How am I living mine? I feel like I'm doing the best I can with what I've been handed. I might not be living to the fullest of my potential, but I do know that I never know what moment will be my last...

But I am looking forward to getting back to Grand Rapids. Setting up my house. Estabilishing a home for myself. A real home. A real place to go and call home there, not just a campus. I'm looking forward to being back with my friends there. I'm looking forward to the fun times that lie ahead, as well as the serious conversations. I'm looking forward to working and chilling and balancing a social life and classes...
I'm looking forward to life. I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me.
I accept that I cannot be everything everyone wants me to be.
Even if it hurts.

i'm sorry.

2005-08-23T01:10:00.000-05:00

there is nothing more i can do.
i feel like i'll always be letting someone down.
when i try to take care of the things i need for my own well being, i am selfish.
i am inconsiderate.
i am wrong.
i am a horrible person.
i let others down.
when i put others first and don't take care of myself first...
i burn out.
i feel fake.
i hate myself.
but others are happy with me.
i'll never been good enough.
nothing i ever do is ever enough.
i'll never be a good enough:
sister.
daughter.
friend.
Christian.
person.
i wish i could just disappear.
i wish people would believe me and listen when i try to explain...
i wish people could see how i really feel inside...
how much i hate disappointing people...
i'm sorry...
i'm so sorry...
i'm sorry for seeming selfish.
i'm sorry for being selfish.
i'm sorry i will never be good enough...
i'm sorry i can never be what people want.

i wish i could be the sister my brother wants me to be. i wish i could be the daughter my parents want me to be. i wish i could be the type of friend i should be. i wish i could be the type of person i want to be. i wish i could be the Christian i want to be. i wish i could look at myself in the mirror and not hate what i see. i wish i wasn't constantly feeling like a disappointment. i wish i didn't constantly feel like i was inadequate and not good enough. i wish i didn't make other people feel the same way. i wish i didn't come off as over confident and full of myself. i wish i had more answers to questions. i wish i had more to say than "i dunno." i wish ...
but wishes don't come true.

the joke is always on me.

2005-08-19T00:04:00.000-05:00

ok, so, today started off pretty shitty.

i woke up at 11:15...

i was supposed to work at 11.

i call my boss and am like "i'm leaving right now!!!!" and explained what happened.

i throw on my clothes, no makeup or anything, and run out to my car as it's starting to rain...

i put the key into the ignition and...

nothing.

my fuckin car wouldn't start!

so i call my boss... AGAIN... and tell him my car wouldn't start, so he lets tony leave to come pick me up.

i go to work and alison, another manager, comes in and tells me about her shitty night after i left last night...

$200 missing from the safe!

WHAT THE FUCK?!

she had left me for like 2 seconds with it while she went to get a beer for a customer... she eventually had to tell my GM about that little detail and he's like "well, now i have to start pointing fingers at kim. how could you do that?"

SO, now i'm in deep shit with my boss, i don't have a car, and i basically hate this day...

fortunately, tony made my day a little better by driving me, listening to me talk about stuff over our noodlicious lunch, and take some fun pics outside... and saw me room, disaster as it was... and laughed at my bra laying on the floor...

i've never dreaded going to work this much before in my life though... tomorrow, i must face dave... and his interegation... fuck.

I hate the end of summer...

2005-08-16T20:24:00.000-05:00

Not because of going back to school...
Not because of the end of warm weather...
Not because of the end of no schoolwork...

I hate the end of summer because of what it means. All the beginning of summer goals and plans that fell through and never happened are gone for good. It means leaving friends behind that you'd caught up with and gotten to know again... and going back to friends that you have to catch up with and get to know again...
I hate the end of this summer in particular. I don't know why, I'm ready to go, but I'm not ready to say good-bye to my friends of the summer. I'm ready to see my friends in GR again and hang out with them, but... part of me knows that, despite expectations and promises to keep in better touch this next year and visits and whatnot, that little of it will happen. Not because we don't mean them when we say them, but because deep down, we know most of it won't happen... just like summer plans.
I hate the end of this summer because I'm not going back to school with any sort of clearer picture of life. If anything, it's more distorted. Does it ever get clearer? I could sit here and say "God has a plan" and "it's God's will" and "God works in mysterious ways." I could blurt out the right Bible verses, but it'd be false, said only to make those around me feel better. I see this picture of a world full of people that care about nothing but themselves. I see this picture of a world full of people that are slowly destroying themselves and each other. I look at this world and I don't see promise and future... I see... routine. Sameness. Birth. Death. Life gets lost along the way...
I want to be numb... because then I don't look at the world and wonder how it ended up so fucked up in the first place.
My mom said she's worried about me. I took Ms. Wolosick's death in stride, without batting an eye. My pessimism doesn't allow much of anything to shock me. A bright, loving girl with a future took her own life. Lifelong friends get in an argument about money, ending in one's death. Who can you trust? Who is there to rely on?
We live in a world where it's easy to hide. It's easy to blend in and you're expected to say the right things. We lie to those we love. We lie to ourselves. Someday I hope to wake up from this Lifetime original movie.

In a world like this...

2005-08-12T20:50:00.000-05:00

it's hard to see that there's any good left.

tragedy is always just around the corner...

you will be missed Ms. Wolosick.

almost 10 days since i wrote here?

2005-08-12T02:06:00.000-05:00

I've come to write here many times. I often will look at the little box, wondering what words would be right to fill the empty space. In the end, I click on the little red X in the upper right hand corner of my screen and shut the page. When I began writing here, I wrote to process my thoughts of life. Whatever I was thinking at the time went onto the page.

I feel as though everyone is reading "Velvet Elvis" these days. I am as well, but as I read it, I hear a pastor's words speaking to me that I've heard. To me, the book seems more of a refresher of words I've heard spoken... and it just makes me miss my church at school all the more. Also, it has got me thinking... I feel as though I've spent a lot of time the last... I can't even think how long, defending, defining, and figuring out exactly what it is I believe. Yet, in all that, I feel so distant from God.

Summer is winding down. 9-10 days left here. That's all. I don't know where the time has gone. There are so many people I wanted to see this summer and didn't. And yet, I guess I haven't made the hugest effort. Maybe I haven't learned anything. Maybe I've been avoiding people that I think might as me the tough questions. Maybe... maybe I've been too afraid to have to come up with the answers.

And yet, I've had a great summer. Hanging out with the "Frazzled Riders" and some other people once in awhile... I definitely can't complain...

I hung out with one of my really good friends (ok, let's face it, my best friend from PHS probably) tonight. She's been gone all summer. When she told me she'd be gone this summer, I literally broke down in tears. It was the end of April and I just couldn't handle it. I saw a bleak summer. It turned out to be anything but that and I managed to keep busy. However, hanging out with her was a bit awkward at times. She was at a camp, working, serving others and God... she seemed to draw so much closer to God and strengthened her desire to serve Him.
My "accomplishments" for the summer seem pathetic and foreign compared to that, yet they are mine. It was a bit awkward though... I know things will be fine, but I just felt so... low.

Shane-O leaves next Thursday. What would I have done without her here this summer?
I just want to get back to Grand Rapids.
It will be another temporary escape...

Smiley?

2005-08-01T23:51:00.000-05:00

I went to a BBQ with some girls from my old small group... well, one of my old small groups... Barb's old small group, and can I just say that I really do love that woman? I mean, for real, she basically rocks.
And yet, as I sat there, I realize how different my life has gotten. Barb made a comment about how I smile more. I think I do. No, I know I do. I don't think I have to have all the answer anymore. I don't feel the need to put on this front anymore. I don't have to be "spiritual" and say all the right things. Someone I knew once used to always ask me what God was doing in my life. It came right after asking me how I was really doing. If I were to be asked that, I'd say I don't know. I'd tell her that the only time I feel close to Him is when I look at the beautiful sky or notice the beauty in nature or seen how God has helped so many people. I'd tell her that I know in my heart that my awesome friends are a gift from Him in my life. I know God is doing a ton in my life, I'm just not really sure what exactly right now.
As I sat with these girls from my old small group, I wondered what they were all thinking... I wondered what they would be doing if they weren't there. I wondered what they did with their friends at school...
So do I smile more? Yes. I do. I've been told repeatedly in the last two years that I seem different now. Sometimes people say they can't pin point exactly how, others try to. Either way, everyone says the same thing, I've changed... for the better. I seem happier. I seem more confident. And maybe I am. I'm not living in anyone's shadow. I am my own person. I don't have to have the answers. I am walking this path with everyone else.
We must allow each other to change. We must allow each other to make mistakes without judging. We must allow each other to love.
This is my journey. This is my life. And despite the fact that I have cried more tears this past year than probably my entire life prior to this year, I smile more. Because in my tears, I am being real. Despite the fact that I have had more frustrations with people, I have learned to approach people with them and talk them through. Part of me fears how I will become the person I am meant to be, but mostly, I look forward to it. I look forward to the mistakes I'll make and I look forward to the good choices I'll make. I smile more because I am more confident. I no longer wonder if people really care about me, because I know that there are a handful of people out there that do. I know that I will stumble and fall. I will cry and hurt and feel more pain than I knew possible, but I will go on, because there is still love in this world. There are still random, stupid things to laugh at for no reason. There are still random things to do that will make people smile. There are still random things people will say or do to make you smile.
Today Shane and I took two cakes to Tony and Drew, two of our co-workers, that'd we'd personalized for each of them. We did it because we have fun doing it. We did it because we're crazy like that and knew that, even though they think we're weird, they really love it. We did it because making people smile makes us smile.
Make someone smile today, even if you don't feel like smiling yourself...
It can make you want to smile back.

ALMOST THERE!

2005-07-31T20:21:00.000-05:00

And by almost, I mean in a little under a month. 27 days to be exact (but who's counting? 5 of which will be spent in Portland). I talked to Shannon and Courtney today and it just made me that much more excited about moving in. We're planning on taking a trip to this little town in Canada on Labor Day weekend and having ourselves a grand old time... haha, hopefully that one works out, who knows though, plans fall through sometimes. But seriously, it'll be good times. Shay and I were talking about hitting up Margarita Grill and finding some other clubs/bars that'll let us in (and if free, it's even better... I wish I were 21... damn). I might go home with her sometime to Omaha and visit my great uncle as well... yeah, it'll be good times. Also, I'm hoping she'll help me learn to drive stick, that'd freakin rock. I've als been talking to Matt and Eric a bunch and I can't wait to be back with those boys and chill with them again.
27 days...
I can't wait.

No matter where I am...

2005-07-31T01:23:00.000-05:00

I'm never where I want to be.

Such is the life of a college student.
I love being here at home... but I miss being at school...
When I'm at school, it's the other way around...
I guess that's how it goes though huh?
That's alright, I've learned to enjoy wherever I am.

Processing.

2005-07-27T02:52:00.000-05:00

How are you processing?
That is what Barb asked me tonight.
How am I processing? Honestly? I am processing in my own mind, on my own... in my mind, in my head, in my heart... not a day goes by that I don't think about Laurie or remember it. I have great friends... awesome friends that have stood by me throughout everything... but I feel as though I can't ask any more of them. It's difficult for people that didn't know Laurie to understand. She DIDN'T appear to struggle with depression. She DIDN'T attempt suicide before. She WASN'T a negative person...
When I say she was the last person anyone would ever expect to commit suicide, I'm not just another person saying that, she really was. But I feel as though my processing must now be done on my own. Because... I don't know... my thoughts come in spurts... I will never know why she made the decision she did. I will never understand it. It will never make sense. But when I think of the impact she had on my life... that is what I must put first in my life... the times we talked and joked... I could dwell on her death... I could think about the lack of communication between us the last 10 months before she died... or I could think about the 4.5 years of hang outs, talks, coffee, emails, letters, phone calls... and those are the things I choose to think about throughout my day. Perhaps that it pushing the reality aside... but for now, that is ok with me. And I don't know if there's anyone I can talk to about those things.

So how am I processing?
I'm processing in my own mind and heart...

When my friend was in an accident, all I could think was "HOW COULD YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THAT POSITION? HOW COULD YOU EVEN RISK IT?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU?!" I told him I didn't want to go to any more of my friend's funerals... and yet part of me feels as though every time my phone rings or there's a new message in my Inbox... it could be another... we never know... we never know...
I can only be thankful for this moment. For the times I have with people I care about. For the times I have to just kick back and relax on my own. For the time I have... I must be grateful for it... I must be grateful for every moment I get to spend with people...

I'm learning to worry less... to live life more...
Yet in the rawness of it... I look back at where I was almost 4 months ago... and I have no idea how I made it to where I am now. I remember being at school and just feeling completely gone and numb to everything school for those months... I remember my shell walking to and from classes, writing papers, taking tests... I remember feeling hollow and empty. I remember crying everynight as I went to sleep... I remember sitting in class, having to will myself not to start crying as a phrase would trigger a thought... I remember people walking in when I'd been crying and me acting like I hadn't been... and them going along with it. I remember feeling like nothing mattered anymore... He would go on no matter what... I remember telling my mom that praying didn't matter because God didn't really care. It is only looking back now that, while I still don't necessarily see God clearly there, I know it is only with His strength that I made it through those months at school and pulled off my best grades yet at Calvin... I know that I must continue to have faith in Him... I know it might look differently from now on. I know I am changed. I know that my "rough sememster" was more than that. I know that I will live life differently.
I know I will screw up by some standards...
I know I will make some bad choices...
I know I will make some good choices...
I will not be so naive.
I will not be so innocent.
I will not be so blinded.
I will continue to live my life...
Because it's not my time to go yet...
And I plan to see what God has in store for me.

An email.

2005-07-22T16:14:00.000-05:00

I just recieved an email from a woman I went to Costa Rica with. I haven't been in great contact with her, but we email back and forth from time to time. She's a social worker, so we bonded instantly. I had forgotten that I had sent her an email awhile back after I'd gotten off work. In the email I just recieved in return from her, she pointed out how clearly I had asked her "How are you doing? For real?" and she commented on how that was "so Kim." And all I thought was... that's so Laurie. It's one of the things she taught me... to always ask how people are doing and wait for the answer... and prompt them to give an honest one.
Our friends teach us things we don't even realize. They teach us mannerisms and habits and phrases... they teach us love and hate... we learn so much more from each other than we can even begin to realize...

Sleep?

2005-07-21T04:30:00.000-05:00

I came home "early" for me. My throat was sore and I had a headache all day, so I was thinking I'd get a good night's sleep before my short work shift. I should have gotten an easy 8 hours, maybe even a bit more. Yet, from the moment my lights went out and my head hit the pillow, I knew I was doomed. I was restless, my mind was all over the place, and the temperature in my room never seems right anymore. I was too hot, then too cold... I think I'm getting sick with something... I think my mind doesn't want me to sleep... I've stopped writing my thoughts down and I'm not fully getting them out anywhere... maybe that's why my mind seems so scattered... so here go some scattered thoughts...

Laurie
I've been thinking about her a lot. Maybe that's not fair of me, but I have been. I've been thinking about the impact she had on me throughout high school. I was thinking about the last time I saw her. I've been thinking about selfishness vs. selflessness. It's like, we're told as Christians to be selfless, yet, if we are, the world can overwhelm us and get to us... Laurie always seemed so selfless... then she took part in, arguably, one of the most selfish things a person could do. So my thoughts are... maybe it's ok to be selfish sometimes... little bits and moments along the way with people you're comfortable being selfish around... because that way, you know you're taking care of yourself first... maybe it's not my place to make that decision, but I think it seems fairly valid.

Guys
Mish and I were talking tonight and it seems as though we both think that the hardest thing to figure out is the opposite gender. I think maybe I've pushed Cory out of my life to much. I think my fear of being vulnerable to a guy and my fear of rejection has allowed me to successfully frustrate him enough that he's losing interest. I'm such a stupid girl sometimes. I lack the ability to understand why any guy would think anything about me is worth caring about THAT much... so when someone does, I push them away...

Friends
I have some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. I am surrounded by people that I know love me and care about me... even though I have to remind myself of that everyday. I know I have people that would do just about anything for me. It's amazing to me that I have found people like that in college. But I have and I could not have asked for anything more. Some old friends, some newer friends, but all equally as important in my life for different reasons.

Time
My summer is so divided up. I was home for 4 days, gone for a month, home for two weeks, gone for 10 days, home for two weeks now, then gone for 5 more, then back for who knows how long, probably a week and a half, then to Trent and Natalie's cousin's wedding, then maybe home for a couple days/ maybe a week?...
So many people have been on my mind lately. So many people I would love to see. So much I had hoped to do. I have this list of people I'd like to see at least once before I go back to GR at the end of the summer. Barb, Eve, Steph, Jenna, Jackie Brown (damn I miss that girl...), Vicki (before she gets married), Brian, Scott, Craig... yet I look at my time before I leave and feel like I have none, so I get frustrated and make no plans... and, of course, I want to see Mish and Shane-O and all my other friends I have been seeing more...

God
Sad that it's so far down. I'm no where near where I wish I was here. I'm sitting here, my Bible next to me... I should open it up and read it. My mom asked me to go to church with her, I told her no, because no part of me felt like hearing a "message." My mind always travels back to the verse in Ephesians...
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dweel in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God
Despite everything, I know I am still established and rooted in love and that, for whatever reason, God still and always will, love me. And yet... I am such a small part of God's plan and God's world. After me, there will be another. I am unique in so far as the fact that God made me an individual... but I am just another person sent to play some part in His plan. While I know I am loved for by God as a single human being, I do not believe that God is simply this kind and benevolent God, sitting in Heaven with this warm heart towards all His fallen creatures. I believe He gets frustrated with us. I believe He looks at us sometimes and wonders what exactly we think we're doing. I think He looks at us and wonders how we become so selfish and self-centered. I think He must wonder how we've come up with the misconceptions of Him that we have. I think we've turned God into this kind-hearted Father figure because it makes us feel better. I think we're stupid for looking at the sin in this world and wonder what happened to God's creation. We happened to it. We fucked it up and now we have to live with it. We wonder why there's so much pain in the world... because we caused it. We wonder and question all the things in this world and ask God "Why?" If I were God I would tell myself to go look in the mirror and once I did go "THAT is why." Because as much good and righteousness and desire to follow God that is inside of me, there is an equal amount of evil and doubt and desire to rebel and turn away. Because following Him is a daily choice and I believe loving me daily is a choice God makes. God loves unconditionally and forever... because He chooses to. Not because He has to. God chooses to let us continue to sin, because that is the only way we will learn. After the Flood and Noah, God sent a dove and rainbow and said that He would never again wipe out the world. The dove symbolizes peace now. I believe that God will remain true to His promise. I don't think He will ever wipe out mankind again, but I think that it's not too far fetched to believe that we will wipe ourselves out. I don't question the injustice of the world, because we are the ones that caused it and honestly, maybe this is my pessimism at it's finest, but I don't believe that there are enough people in the world that care about fixing it for any part of it to really change. Not to say it isn't worth trying, but I don't know...

Future
I don't know what it holds, yet I look forward to finding out. I am regaining my strength in life. I am becoming more empowered once again in my faith and in myself. I am out to be strong once again. I am out to try to make sense of things once again. I am seeking. I am loving. And I am learning to stand strong once again. I don't know what any of this looks like for me right now, but I am no longer afraid to pursue it and find out.

"No I don't cry on the outside anymore"
~Kelly Clarkson

And yet, I am happier now than I have been in a long time. As Trent said to me the other night, I seem happier since I went out there than I've seemed to be in a long time. And I think he's right. I am happier, because I am learning to be me again and stand on my own two feet. I am learning to take control of my life again and not be so weak. I am learning and growing and becoming me. And I am no longer afraid of who that person will be.

Leaving.

2005-07-18T09:32:00.000-05:00

In about 4 hours I'll be heading to the Norfolk, VA airport. I've been here 9 days. 6 spent chillin on the beach with some old friends. 2 spent at my grandma's house. 1 spent at the Werwath's house.
It doesn't feel like I've been here this long, yet in some ways, it does. I've definitely been refreshed. I've also realized that there are some people you can not see often at all, whose friendships are convinient, that you just click with like no time has passed.
It's been great hanging out with Natalie and Trent again and getting to know Whitney and Callie more. And thank God for their parents for letting me come here and spend time with them.
The best part? I'll see them again in a month :)
So here's to home.
Here's to life.
Here's to not being afraid of the future...
for now.
peace out kids.

Vacation.

2005-07-12T23:49:00.000-05:00

Never have I gone on my own vacation.
It's been refreshing.
It's been needed.
It's left me with more questions and more fears about this upcoming school year.
As I'm sitting here thinking about the positive changes I'd like to make...
I'm also thinking about the temporary fun times I could have...
And as scary as it may seem...
I don't know which one beats the other right now.
But right now, I'm enjoying my vacation and soaking in the relaxation.
My thoughts will be with those on the Overnight this coming weekend.
May God give you strength...

Belief.

2005-07-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

I believe in the resurrected Christ. I believe that God sent His one and only son to Earth to die on the cross for the sins of mankind. I believe that God created Heaven and Earth. I believe that God created Lucifer, the fallen angel who rules over Hell. I believe that God could end all sin on Earth if He so chose to. I believe that God will one day return to Earth to take His children home.

Beyond that, I don’t know what’s true. My belief in God and my relationship with Him used to be predominantly emotional/spiritual. Nowadays, it is purely knowledge and facts and straight up faith in what I believe to be true. I used to go to church with the hope that I would get fired up and “rejuvenated”. I used to hope I’d go there and something would just click… and that used to be exactly what happened. I used to connect to God through worship and become fired up to follow Him through a message.

Now?
I’ve gone to church twice since I’ve been home. I stand during the music and look around. I see the people singing and raising their hands… I can’t help but wonder… what is it that they are feeling? Is it real? Or is it simply the music? I used to be one of those people… I love to sing to God… but lately I can’t get the words to come from my mouth… perhaps because I know I wouldn’t be singing them honestly…

I long to get back to my church in Grand Rapids. I feel as though it is fact based. History. Theology. It makes sense. It adds up. It’s raw. It’s real. It’s a concept I can grasp. It’s a reality I can understand. It doesn’t seem emotionally charging… it charges me up mentally.

My faith in God comes from facts and history and understanding and belief. It is my belief that there is an undeniable truth that God exists and that the reality of Jesus Christ is true.

What is the difference between faith and religion?
Can you have one without the other?

today.

2005-07-04T01:06:00.000-05:00

i worked... nothing big, but not horrible. i was told i'll make a good manager, if i get that job like i hope to. it's crazy to think i'd move back to GR august 10 if i do...
i had some really good conversations w/ shane-o today. it was good times. seriously, i don't know if i'd really enjoy coming home near as much if she wasn't around. i can be myself with her. i can talk to her about church... i can talk to her about stupid shit i do.
good times.
we went to the fireworks. ended up seeing a bunch of people from high school i had hoped i'd never have to see again... ugh, some people never grow up.
saw raphy from work! that was awesome. he scared the shit outta me though...
yeah...
we saw this woman on a motorcycle get hit by this pickup...
then we saw the pickup guy get arrested after he lied about hitting her.
dumbass.
your review mirror is laying on the ground and you have a huge scratch in your car. the woman got up and was ok, luckily neither was going very fast...
that's about it.
keep on rockin.

4months.

2005-07-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

the other day mish and i tried to go down to the lake.
neither of us have been down there yet.
it was late at night.
there was no parking due to the taste and whatnot taking up space and museum parking being closed...

I don't know what God has in store for me.
I don't know what life has in store for me.
I don't know if the two are one in the same...
But I do know that I cannot live without God.
I know that I cannot do this life without Him in it...
The days when I felt close to God seem so long ago...
But I know He is still there.
In my mind, I see this picture...
It is of God's always outstretched hand...
I was once a child, grabbing onto my Father's hand...
Grasping it tightly, begging Him to not let go.
I cling to it, sometimes picking up my feet and dangling as He lifted me up...
But at some point I decided I was a big girl...
That I didn't need to hold my Father's hand any longer...
Now I feel like a little kid that has run ahead of her Father and is waiting at the intersection...
Turning around and looking back, wondering where my Father went...
Knowing I can't cross the street without Him, yet not wanting to acknowledge that I am the reason He is not there.
But I still see Him, walking towards me, with His hand there, waiting for me to grab it...
Waiting for me to come running back to His side to grab it...
Because my Father was not behind me...
He had not left me and was not too slow...
But I had run from Him.

more thoughts for today can be found here:
http://www.xanga.com/simplyme322

so much...

2005-07-02T01:02:00.000-05:00

there's so much on my mind these days... so many random thoughts flying through my head that i cannot seem to grasp ahold of a single one.
i'm stressed.
i'm overwhelmed.
and it's summer...?

i've realized that things that i thought i'd dealt with and accepted and overcome still effect me more than i thought. i've realized that there's a lot still going on in my head... and my heart.
i've realized that everday is a battle.
a never ending battle with myself.

i have a constant reminder on me to remind me to love.
yet, i was thinking on my ride home today... i don't know if love really exists.
any type of love.

i could sit here and talk all day about the ultimate love. for God so loved the world right? one of my favorite verses displays a hope that everyone would know the depths to which God loves them... i could type and talk about it for hours... but i feel like a pawn in God's world. set up for a purpose... but ultimately one of the first pieces to be taken out of the game... anything i said would be regurgatation of what is expected...

is that love?

i've never seen loved displayed to me. i don't know what it looks like or feels like. my mom always did her best to show her love for me... but it was overshadowed...

friends have told me they loved me... and left...

this semester...
this summer has lead me to a single conclusion...

everyone is alone in this world.

no matter how many people are around. how much fun they have. how many people seem to care about them.
everyone is alone.

then i think about the crowds of people that went to laurie's visitation and memorial... all those people... yet, she felt alone...?

it is interesting that i come to this conclusion, as i find myself surrounded by amazing friends who care about me more than i know...

i lack the ability to tell people how much they mean to me. i mean, to really tell people. i hate it. i hate that i can't, but i can't. i feel like it makes me vulnerable... and i can't be that... i just... can't... i don't know how...

what does love look like? how do you genuinely love somebody? i'm so sick of Christian cliches and stereotypical answers...

is it looking at someone and knowing their faults and flaws and insecurities and caring about them anyway? because if so... that's scary... that's really scary...

i continue to try to figure it out. what does love look like in my life?
God... help me.
teach me.
show me.
love me?

~Because of You~
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
~Kelly Clarkson

i know i am loved.
i know i am blessed.
i know i go to sleep a lucky girl...
because i have people in my life that care about me...