writing.

i find i express myself less and less these days. I allow my frustrations and emotions to get pent up until they come exploding out in a rage I cannot seem to control upon those around me who don't deserve it. My employees, my friends, my husband... I can only hope and pray that they understand and love me despite these things. It is something I wish to change, but cannot seem to find the time or energy to. Why have I allow myself to be controlled by my emotions and ceased to control my thoughts, opinions, and ideas through other outlets? Perhaps I have allowed myself to be consumed by work, drinking, and gossip. These are things I had always thought I would never let consume my life. They are aspects of the world that I had always swore would never overtake the person I am inside, yet I feel as though they have consumed me. I must regain this control over my life. I told CJ last night that I miss church. I miss worship and messages and the simple idea of opening my Bible and allowing God to take control. I miss being vulnerable. I miss the moments where I was no longer hidden, but naked and bare to the One who made me. I miss sitting around and having deep discussions about what is and was and could be. I miss discussions about life and what I wish to make of it. My goals in life have changed a lot over the years, but the center of them remains the same; I wish to spread love to those around me...

My unknown move to Texas cannot come soon enough. While I love many of the people I am around, I do not always respect the person I have become. I am ready for a change...

1 year later.

I have been thinking lately that I am letting my mind rust. I have ceased to do much of anything other than work, watch TV, and read the occasional book. So much has happened in the past year. I continue to live in a state I didn't want to come to in the first place, yet am saddened when I think of leaving. I am married. I love my husband and he means the world to me. I don't know what I would do without him in my life.

And yet I sit here and wonder what would come out of my mind onto paper (or a computer screen). Deep inside of me there is a person I have forgotten. A person who loves to love and loves to dream. A person who seems full of pessimism, yet is full of hopes and dreams for the shattered world in which she lives. A person whose pessimism stems from frustration of seeing potential never realized or achieved. I have let this person get caught up in the day to day riggers of everyday life. I have allowed myself to get sucked in and bogged down by the drama and negativity of the world around me without stepping back to look at what is really going on. I have allowed myself to feel caught in the midst of struggles that are not mine. I have allowed the world around me to define who I am. I have forgotten to love myself. Because of these, I have failed to be the wife, daughter, sister, friend, and boss that I have the capability of being.

interesting thought.

As I look at facebook at some of my old friends from high school, I noticed something. There are a few of us girls that were similar in high school. We weren't quite popular, but we weren't unpopular. We were friends with people in all different "cliques" and all the "hott" boys... but we were the "good girls." We enjoyed talking to teachers and helping people out just as much as we enjoyed discussing our frustrations and annoyances with all things high school. We were the girls that were friends with all the guys, but never quite anything more. We were the girls that the guys assumed already had dates to the dances because they couldn't imagine us not... yet we were the ones always wondering if we'd end up going... We were the ones the guys would talk to about their girl problems or whatever other issues were going on, but were never "the girl." Yet, we were never down on ourselves. We maintained our confindence because we were independent women who enjoyed doing things on our own. We were never anything special... but we were ourselves and we were proud of it.
And now... looking on facebook... I notice something. We have all found love. We have all found the person we want to spend our lives with and are growing up to become mature, responsible women, while the "popular" girls who went through boyfriends daily are still out partying and being irresponsible because their parents are still fully supporting them and don't care what they do.
I'm glad I'm me :)

creeping in...

It's weird how life goes. It still feels like I keep waiting for life to happen... then I realize it already has. I keep waiting to grow up and become an adult... and then the job calls and the bills come and I realize... I already have. I keep waiting for the day that I leave behind everything and everyone I have ever known to start off in a new place on my own... then I realize I have. I keep waiting for the day when I leave home for good... and then I realize it has come. Certain things seem like they were just yesterday... but they were years ago.
Each day the fear of the future and the unknown begin to get under my skin and I worry and question... but then I am reminded that it will all be ok. I am reminded that I am exactly where I have chosen to be and exactly where I want to be. I realize that I am loved beyond my imagine. I realize that despite frustrations and arguements, I have someone in my life that will drive 2 hours to surprise me with flower and dinner. I have someone that buys me a GPS because it rips him apart when I call him and am crying because I am alone and lost in a strange city. More than that... I have someone that will curl up with me and just be.
The stress of the last couple months and the upcoming months has slowly been creeping in... but I know it will all be ok.

Trip "Home"

CJ and I went home this past weekend so that he could have "the talk" with my parents. A little unconvential yes (since he already has the ring and all) but it works for us and that's what matters. In less than 24 hours we (my mom, CJ, and myself) managed to buy a dress and narrow down our options as to where... all before I actually have a ring on my finger... go figure.
But it's exciting none-the-less and I could not have dreamed a better person to be going through life with. We will be able to start off our new lives in a new place together... it'll have it's bumps and it won't be easy, but we have what counts. Love.